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Comedy Just Being Funny

Stiff, tangled, and dry: A naptural horror story – Just Being Funny

A warm body to snuggle against, silky-straight hair – winter was going great until my #1 Cuffing Season draft pick asked me to be “more natural.” What’s more natural than rocking your hair as it grows from your scalp?

“Be more natural.” Humph, I would have traded him mid-season, but finding a new lover in the middle of winter sucks. This relationship had the potential to survive a Hot Girl Summer.

Yes, his “be more natural” idea was like drinking tap water tea ‘cause it’s more natural. That’s a misinformed health kick. But his booty tho –

SPLUNK. I slid my entire body into the bathwater. I felt like Janet Jackson in her ‘Every Time’ music video. I didn’t know anything about hair types, but I knew my naps looked good.

Nubian queen? Who dat? I slept like an all-natural Caucasian countess: No hair products, no twists or braids, and no head wraps or bonnets.

After so many years, I finally discovered my true texture: I’m a combination of type B and C hair – B for brick and C for cement.

Wearing a hat or a scarf was impossible because my afro was a concrete cloud. It was stiffer than a granny’s knees after flying with Spirit Airlines. Stiff like a freshly pressed linen shirt with a triple layer of spray starch. If my hair was any stiffer, it would be a three-month expired corpse at the bottom of a frozen lake.

I needed to restart the process by wetting my entire head, but I did not have time. I had to run errands pretending that my ‘natural urban bush babe’ look was intentional.

It’s unnatural to be natural. Do you eat a salad without dressing? Using body and hair products is like adding oil to a salad – it’s still natural.

For some blacks, using veggies and salad dressing ingredients is the secret to a bomb twist-out. Don’t sleep on yoghurt, avocados, mayo, or apple cider vinegar.

My hair became one big dreadlock after my night as a Caucasian countess. Life Pro Tip: Dreading the LOC method is the method to dread the locs.

There was nothing to do but go outside and face the world. To my horror, the menfolk went crazy. I couldn’t believe how much they dug my au natural look. Most likely they assumed my raggedy appearance meant I’d go with just anyone. But don’t trip, I accept all compliments. I was catcalled so much that day that I became fluent in Meow.

“You look beautiful.” His words were sincere and heartfelt, so I forgave his ignorance. Then I made him stay up six hours while I washed, detangled, and styled my hair.

Shout out to wide-tooth combs and organic coconut oil. You’ll always be my hair MVP.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller regrets leaving St. Maarten for windy Chicago. Her weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com/JBF.

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Comedy Just Being Funny

No pen pals, please — I’m on this app for penis – Just Being Funny

Obviously, I hated myself because only an enemy would convince me to try online dating. Sadly, I would die single if I kept passively waiting for these raggedy dudes to recognise my Proverbs 31 potential.

Listen, recruiters don’t magically hand out jobs. Yuh gah let de employer man dem know yuh interested and able by mekkin’ a LinkedIn profile and submitting yuh resume.

Sitting on yuh fingers does nothing for your career nor romantic prospects. Sitting on other people’s fingers? Well, that’s wholly different and highly useful.

I tried flirting with strangersin the library, which led to getting snatched and stalked. You know, Inviting strangers out on dates is like walking into a business – that ain’t gah up no sign or nothing – and asking for a job. Security can tell you how well that works.

Don’t blame schools for not offering quality right-swipes. Students are screened on their ability to excel at sports, arts, and academics – not whether they will #WasteMyTime.

I got a free OkCupid profile because no way was I paying for dick. And I only talked to locals ‘cause I ain’t travelling for dick either.

OKC was a dumpster fire. I stopped responding to messages that had even a hint of sexual innuendo. Don’t “Hey, sup?” me like I’m some common Jezebel!

I should have paid for Match.com maybe then I would have met someone rich. You know what they say; You gotta spend money to catch a money.

Roberto was great except his messages were hella long. We switched to texting and my guy was still writing lengthy passages. SMS stands for SHORT Message Service, not Seriously-long-ain’t-reading-alla-dat Message Service.

I ain’t join OKC for pen pals – I’m looking for peen and personality! So, I invited Roberto to a cafe to know if we had real chemistry.

“I have a confession.” Oh gawd, don’t tell me I’m about to be on MTV’s Catfish! “Well, the thing is I weighed like 270 before joining the Navy. I got down to 178 in three months so I could join. Gradually I gained the weight back. I allowed myself to get out of control. Now I weigh approx. 325 lbs.”

Das it?! Your big confession is yuh fat?! Bruh, I was imagining way worse. I told Roberto to get his fluffy butt down to the cafe because – as luck would have it – I’m an equal opportunity lover who was too thirsty to be dissuaded by a few extra pounds.

Roberto never made it to the cafe. He wanted me to wait until he lost the weight. “Cool. So, when last were you at your ideal weight?”

“It’s been about three years, but I’m determined.”

‘Determined,’ he say. Sigh. Block. Delete. Disconnect Wi-Fi. Ain’t nobody waiting three years for a chance to maybe know whether the online dick might be bomb.

Shout out to the thickalicious lovers who don’t mislead us with heavy filters and cropped profile photos. More peen and pum pum power to you!

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller regrets leaving St. Maarten for windy Chicago. Her weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com/JBF

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Comedy Just Being Funny

Total Life Scam

a public service by Onicia Muller

Is Total Life Changes A Scam?

Mercadeo Multinivel: Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (HBO)

Las compañías de mercadeo multinivel aclaman ser negocios legítimos, pero algunas parecen ser terriblemente… piramidales. John Oliver y Jaime Camil nos demuestran como funcionan.

Multilevel Marketing: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Multilevel marketing companies claim to be legitimate businesses, but some seem awfully…pyramid-shaped. John Oliver and Jaime Camil demonstrate how they work. ​

Just Being Funny: Total Life Scam

By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller

Originally published in The Daily Herald’s WEEKender on February 2, 2019

This one ‘bout ta end friendships.

I stumbled across some word vomit drizzled in emojis promoting Total Life Changes’ (TLC) Iaso tea. It said the company provided health and wealth through ingesting and selling their weight loss products.

A cursory internet search revealed that TLC is a multi-level marketing (MLM) company. Judge Judy says MLMs (network marketing) are just “legal pyramid schemes” and “pipedreams for fools.” Yup, everyone’s favorite TV judge determined that “all pyramid schemes are the same, regardless of the product.”

FYI, Judge Judy was a practicing lawyer for 31 years before going on to hosts a 3-time Daytime Emmy Award-winning TV show for 25 seasons. She knows about business and law.

The following might come off as classist, elitist, and all other kinds of -ists, BUT did you know that scammers send grammatically incorrect messages because that’s the easiest way to scare off anyone with common sense? Seriously, if you can’t bother to question such a poorly written text then you are just the gullible fool needed to wire your retirement savings to help an inconvenienced Nigerian prince.

Listen, I can’t part with my money if your messaging has typos. Yup. If you can’t show working knowledge of you, your, and you’re, then I can’t transfer funds from me, my, and mine bank account. Let me be a classist grammar snob. It is better than being a foolish, dotish, or any other –ish separated from their hard earned money.



Simple.

One MLM hun shared a video featuring four plump hens in a nondescript conference room gushing about their upcoming ‘Copy. Paste. Paid.’ workshop. Candace Byrd Davis and her three business partners claimed to have spent thousands on the digital marketing event but their ill-matched makeup, cheap costume jewelry, DIY hairstyles, basic af T-shirts, and low-budget video production indicated that was probably a lie.

The pyramid crumbles so fast that Mrs. Byrd Davis who claimed she lost 107lbs in 7 months using TLC products has since moved on to pushing Hempworx’s CBD oil. For two years of she testified that TLC was her secret to wealth and health but suddenly her Youtube channel is wiped clean and her social media accounts only talk about Hempworx. The magic of the internet is that anything we post can be found even if we delete them.

Y’all MLM huns say you do research but the fact that you allow these conmen to switch up their identities so easy proves that y’all are a lie.

I’ve worked for thousandaires, millionaires, and billionaires; wealthy native speakers write like English is their third language. Most won’t know this because these legitimate business people pay writers like me to correct their internal and public-facing documents.

How yuh a ‘six-figure weekly earner’ but yuh still have a day job? You mean to tell me you earning minimum one hundred thousand ($100,000) to max nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine dollars ($999,999) a week?!

Yes, revenue isn’t profit or post-tax income. However, had yuh won $100,000 in the lotto yuh wudda rolled up pun yuh job like Samuel L Mother F-ing Jackson and shouted, “I’m rich, bish! Now kiss my dusty bum cheeks.” Don’t matter if that money only lasts you a year. But nah, all that bank and yuh can’t cover the cost of my starter kit! Suspect.

How all the before and after photos are from randos from everywhere except our lil island? Seems everyone involved is as fat — and some fatter — than they were before TLC.

I asked Rebecca who had been shilling the product for at least four months about her experience.

“I started with the [Iaso] tea and the vitamins which regulated my bowel movements and my chronic headaches … The resolution drops take away my anxiety and control my appetite so it’s easier to make healthier choices. I’ve been off them for a few weeks now since I been busy and my family being here on vacation but I’m going to start back in the coming week with some workouts to lose some extra pounds I’ve gained.”

Impossible! TLC’s Iaso Tea claims to help you lose 5lbs in five days by drinking two 8oz glasses of tea a day. The resolution drops aka ‘gastric bypass in a bottle’ can help you lose up to 2lbs per day. According to a Cornell University study of 3,000 people in the United States, Germany, and Japan, people gained an average of 1.3 lbs over the holidays. For some, this weight took up to 5 months to lose.

So, did Rebecca gain something crazy like 20+lbs between October and January or was her diarrhea tea so nasty she couldn’t burn a likkle 5lbs by simply drinking 10 glasses in five days?

Sigh. All you need ta do is watch Shark Tank to figure out that MLM products are poor quality, overpriced snake oil. A thin cover to make Ponzi and pyramid schemes appear legal.

Shark Tank entrepreneurs say their $6 products sells for $24.99 wholeslae and $50 retail. Why is the profit margins for MLM products so small? It’s cause huns are customers paying retail and not wholesale prices.

Look, our island can only handle two McDonalds. The market can’t sustain hundreds of independent TLC sellers. Do we even have 100 grocery stores? The Minister of Finance and all math and economics teachers should dedicate a class to crunching MLM numbers. We must ban MLMs especially because the uplines are foreigners who are straight up stealing from our communities.

Shout out to all the huns from Total Life sCam, (Sc)Amway, It(Doesn’t)Works (Sh)ItWorks, 5(Broken)Links and other go-bankrupt-quick schemes for wasting Al Gore’s Internet™ and spamming Zuckerburg’s book of faces. Hopefully, y’all quit before you deplete your savings. 

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Comedy Sketches

Juicero 101 — a masterclass in scamming by Onicia Muller

A masterclass in scamming sponsored by The Skewer

GET READY TO MAKE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MONEY!

Juicero 101 is a masterclass in creating sticky, viral products and services that attract big-dollar investors, 15 minutes of fame, and early retirement. This FREE 7-point seminar is sponsored by The Skewer, a monthly live news revue satirizing the demon squall of this mad world. Start at 48:54.

As thanks for completing this seminar, I’m offering a discount code to my widely popular PayPal Panhandle, a 60-day, self-paced workshop about online panhandling with PayPal. Hurry this offer is unlimited!

Onicia Muller is a sales and marketing guru* with 10 years of internet trolling experience. She’s watched over 15 seasons of ratchet reality television. Most importantly she’s invested a total of zero dollars in business webinars and pyramid schemes. Claim your 90% off coupon for her PayPal Panhandle course.

*writer and comedian. I am not liable for anything unless, of course, you strike it big. In which case PayPal me 10% of profits. Please and thanks.

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Comedy Just Being Funny

Just Being Funny

a weekly humour column by Onicia Muller

Just Being Funny (JBF) is best described as Chicken Soup for the Naive Sceptic’s Soul. The smartly-written humour feature sprinkles in Caribbean patois and #BlackTwitter slang. JBF explores painfully hilarious personal grooming failures; awkward social encounters; side-splitting tales on dating in a swipe-right world; and comical rants about surviving the gig economy.

Just Being Funny is published every Saturday in The Daily Herald’s WEEKender.

“You social media kids talk in hashtags and sound effects. … I really like the Onicia who is a little wacky and a little bit of a devil.”

– Dee Ryan, Producer of Louder Than A Mom

My newsletter offers two fresh batches of JBF every month!

Are you a newspaper or magazine interested in increasing your readership by publishing hilarious stories? Contact Nick Youmans at bookings[at]oniciamuller[dot]com.

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Comedy Just Being Funny

Wait four months for a hug? Next customer! – Just Being Funny

My super conservative boyfriend pulled out a book about intimacy levels and Christian dating. Great, I love a man with a godly plan. Truthfully, I was not conservative in my corazón and didn’t want to be celibate in my cooch.

By date three, we’d unknowingly entered intimacy level six because ‘hand to waist’ was technically a hug!

Don’t slut shame me; this slag keeps pace with the Holy Spirit – everyone knows someone who lost their virginity on a technical foul. 

I blame sexually repressed kooks for convincing the Christ-following masses to repress nature to unnatural degrees. *cough*Will Keith Kellogg*cough*.

I agreed that staying at level three (voice to voice) was wise. But he wanted to wait until I returned from my 3-month-long trip to consider level 4 (holding hands).

Beloved, dating for Eternity™ is cool. Taking an eternity for dating is not. I’m not waiting seven months to hold someone’s hand.

Two dates later, I convinced him to reinstate hand-holding.

When you are truly abstaining from physical intimacy, hand-holding can be very arousing. When our fingers finally interlocked, it was like my clit relocated to the palm.

He wanted to wait until after my trip to consider level five (hand to shoulder). Hand-clit or no, I did not want to wait four months for a side hug.

If he wanted me to suffer through his anime viewing parties then I needed some type of compensation. “We can maybe touch shoulders if we’re both wearing long sleeves and our feet stay on the floor”. 

According to some sexually repressed kook youth pastor, unwed couples should always keep both feet on the floor. Because being curled up and cosy leads to making out, co-napping, and le sex.

Silly wabbit, there are many ways to have couch sex with both feet on the floor. Watch you a mek triplets. #SexyCouchChallenge.

Through trickery and mutual thirst, I convinced him to advance to level five. We now hugged max twice per date and sat closely (no hugging) while watching anime.

During my trip, I tried video chatting daily to keep the relationship warm. I’d tasted level five and was not going back to three.

But like Esau gave up his birthright for a meal, I agreed to let the relationship cool off because I was binge-watching Breaking Bad.

On our first date following my trip, he greeted me with a handshake instead of a hug. When I tried to hold his hand, he said, “Let’s save that for later”. Instead of going to his room, we set up in the common area, and then –

“I think we should take a step back.”

I opened my burger wrapper, “Yes, I agree. We should break up” and took a large bite of the beefy sandwich. He explained that he didn’t want to break up. But beloved, what is a step back from holding hands?

Oops, we were “saving that for later.”

Shout out to the person who made that delicious breakup burger.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller regrets leaving St. Maarten for windy Chicago. Her weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com/JBF.