Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy Women in Comedy

Good Island Gyal — A Caribbean Comedy Special by Onicia Muller

Caribbean comedian Onicia Muller jokes about surviving death and getting revenge on her crappy OBGYN who failed to diagnose her preeclampsia. Now she’s a good island gyal gone bad.

Shoutout to Paul Schissler (The Baddest B*tch) and Niles Abston (Household Name) whose comedy specials inspired me to produce and share #GoodIslandGyal.

Being funny on command requires proper nutrition. Please buy me ice cream. As thanks for the nutrition, I’ll happily send you my birth story video.

For bookings contact Nick Youmans bookings[at]oniciamuller[dot]com.

Filmed at The Rusty Rocket on Sint Maarten in front of a live audience.

For ELIZABETH, SHATORIA, IAH, and all the good island gyals.

ONICIA MULLER: GOOD ISLAND GYAL (2023)

Written and performed by
ONICIA MULLER

Executive produced by
REMIGIO TORRES
SHUDIKE TORRES
ONICIA MULLER

Promotional graphics by
SHAWN YORK
ONICIA MULLER

Cameras and audio
KAREEM ROMBLEY
HERBIE-JUNIOR MARLIN

Special thanks to
KAREEM ROMBLEY
ESDRA RICHARDSON + RUSTY ROCKET
SUPPA KID + LASER 101
EUNICE JARRETT
LISA EBEL
AMY SUMPTER
RACHAEL KAY ALBERS
KELSIE HUFF

lil fizz butthole - onicia mullewr - homorrhoidectomy
Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy

The Goddess Wears Sexy Underwear [VIDEO]

I was about sixteen when my mom decided to gift me some underwear. I know right, teenager and mom sharing underwear, whats going on here? She’d bought a bra and panty set and because they came together as one, only the bra fit but not the panties. So she was like, “Hey, Oni. Do you want this? 

When I was in high school, I was a grungy girl. I wore pants that were unironed and kinda like big. I had people ask me a few times “Girl, where is your butt.” I was like, “I have a butt and teenage boys aren’t allowed to see it because it’s mine and you tease me, so it’s a secret.”

I also wore, not oversized T-shirts, but anything to hide the nonexistent breasteses. But my secret was that I wore sexy underwear. So, whenever someone was like “Oh, Onicia you’re so ugly or too skinny”, I’d be like, that’s what you say now, but I’m a goddess underneath here.

So, the underwear was tiny and blue, and they cut your but in a V-shape and—wait for it— and they had really cool metal swirly things near the hips. I was like, yes, I’m gonna be over here secretly belly dancing from first to seventh period—just sexy time all day long.

When I finally get to put them on, I go to school. It’s the third period and I’m sitting in class and I have a massive headache. I’m like, dear Jesus, I dont know whats happening but you need to fix it because I cannot think. 

I go to the bathroom and i don’t have to pee but maybe I have to pee. Like, let’s just try and undo some stuff. So, as I pull down my pants, I realize that my underwear is cutting into my hip bone. As you can see, I’m just bones right now so I was more bones back in high school. My hip area was just inflamed. I realized, Oh God, it’s too tight. This can’t be life. 

I decided that I’m going to wad some toilet paper together to like add some cushion. I go back to class and I still can’t think. Lord, Jesus, you gotta fix it. 

One period later, I decide to inch my underwear down. I thought maybe this area was narrower but that doesn’t work because your hips go wider. 

Another period later, I think maybe I should pull it up because my waist is tiny. But now I’m just cutting my crotch. 

Eventually, I make it home. I look at my sexy underwear and I think, Jesus, this is not for me. So, I just rest it in my closet. Then, once a week for like about six months, I’d wonder if today was the day. Sometimes I’d put them on but I’m just like I’m gonna lose my life trying to be sexy for people who don’t even know it. 

Eventually, I just toss them in the trash. I thought to myself, ugh, I’m not being a good goddess.

Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy

Cocaine McDonald’s [VIDEO]

So, my coworker with a coke problem—no judgement. No judgment from me. If you have a coke problem, sit down right here, there’s no judgment.

She was like “Hey, onicia. I’m going to visit your island and I kinda, you know, [snorts] I kind wanna party a little bit. Can you like hook me up with the local drug scene?

I too am a child of D.A.R.E. and I chant, very often, “Users are losers so don’t be an abuser.” But, I do know several crackheads. So, I was like I’ll hook you up. My cousin: huuuge crackhead. I’ll hoke you up. 

She comes back two weeks later and she was like “Onicia, your cousin is an animal. We went to the dealer’s place six times in one night!”

So, first of all, I did not realize that all crackheads were not created equal. I was like oh really? And then, I was like, six times in one night? Could you imagine going to McDonald’s six times in one night? 

I’m like if you’re gonna party and I roll up and I’m like, “Girl, I got McDonald’s money!!!” Why would we go [pretends to pull up to a drive through] “Can I have one hamburger?” Go home. Nom nom nom.

Oh, you know what, we should get some fries. “Can we get some fries?” [pretends to pull up to a drive through] “Can I get a drink?”

No! If I say we’re gonna have a McDonald’s mukbang, we’re rolling up to the Dollar Menu. Can I get 100 items?!

Probably, by trip number three, you gotta be so F-ed up. Who is driving?!

Like, I guess that’s what life is, right? Some of us pay student loans and some of us are buying coke. And some—the one percent—are doing both.

So, anyways kids, this is what I gotta say: If your gospel music playlist does not make you twerk is it really blessed and sanctified?

Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy

The Goddess Wears a Sexy Purple Thong [VIDEO]

So, another year in high school, my school paid for us to go to a youth leadership summit. My I buy this purple thong and bra set. Because I’d been traumatized by the sexy blue underwear incident, I decided to go a size up because obviously that’s what you need to do in life. And you can’t try on thongs in the store. I get back home and I put it on and it’s like: Oh, dear. It’s not like swimming, but it just feels like I can’t feel the string in my butt. 

It’s so illogical but I had visions of the thong magically slinking to the floor. You know how you can remove your bra and it comes out on one side? Well, for some reason, I kept having this thought like I’m gonna be walking and then this thong is gonna slide out my jeans and everyone is gonna know that the goddess is wearing big underwear. 

Instead, I put it on and I walk around with my butt clenched. I mean, obviously I’m wearing jeans and there no way for your underwear to fall out, but I’m just walking with my butt clenched the whole day. 

I get home and I’m just place the purple thong on the self. 

Now I’m at peace with whatever is going around here. And I stick to black boxer briefs because you don’t have to think whether it’s matching. It’s the same cut and there are no surprises.sister was in college so now we get to spend our parents money without them knowing what we’re actually buying. We go to the mall and she asks, “are you a goddess?” I said, “Yes, I’m a goddess!” Then she was like, “Do you want a thong?” I said, “I don’t own a thong!” So she was like today is the day.

Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy

An OkCupid Love Story [VIDEO]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sbMRhDcrWI

I didn’t use Matched.com because I didn’t want to pay for love. I thought OkCupid was a safe bet but little did I know it’s actually the dumpster fire of dating sites. Thankfully, after telling the algorithm everything I ever wanted in a partner, it found me the perfect match.

Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy

Marriage and Murder [VIDEO]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zs160bsw1DA

Did you know that being married statistically increases your odds of waking up next to a dead person?
bookings[at]oniciamuller[dot]com

Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy

The gay test [VIDEO]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0PsQ8hCcuw

Being a teenager is challenging, especially while trying to discover your sexuality. Luckily, Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller has a test to uncover potential gayness.

Think I’m funny, book me for your next event! Bookings[at]OniciaMuller[dot]com.