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Just Being Funny

The Hairdresser Blocked Me—Just Being Funny

Hey Friends,

It’s me, Onicia, the petty booty guru. No, I didn’t find the balls to actually tag her in a tweet. Genuinely wish her continued success in her career.

JBF is back by popular demand. That’s right, I’m bringing you all-new hilarious TRUE tales and truly stupid thoughts. Subscribe to my YouTube or newsletter for more funny stories!

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller regrets leaving St. Maarten for windy Chicago. Her weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com/JBF.

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Just Being Funny

I instantly wanted to fight this man—Just Being Funny

JBF is back by popular demand. That’s right, I’m bringing you all-new hilarious TRUE tales and truly stupid thoughts. Subscribe to my YouTube or newsletter for more funny stories!

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller regrets leaving St. Maarten for windy Chicago. Her weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com/JBF.

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Just Being Funny

Broke boys don’t deserve no kitty—Just Being Funny

To all the Butt Hurt Bois(TM):

1. If you watched the full video, you’d know that I believe everyone deserves love regardless of their financial status. I’m happily married to a Broke Boi(TM)

(5:40 where I talk about my very plain wedding band) 2. The video title references a Cardi B song. At 8:40 I explained again that everyone deserves love. This guy didn’t have $2 for food! Finding a date should be looooow on his list of needs. Well, unless he was hoping I’d pay for the meal in which case, he was right for asking me out

JBF is back by popular demand. That’s right, I’m bringing you all-new hilarious TRUE tales and truly stupid thoughts. Subscribe to my YouTube or newsletter for more funny stories!

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Just Being Funny

Is The Single Adventist dating app a scam?— Just Being Funny

JBF is back by popular demand. That’s right, I’m bringing you all-new hilarious TRUE tales and truly stupid thoughts. Subscribe to my YouTube or newsletter for more funny stories!

Where was Devin (my #scamsss co-host) when all of this was going down?? Being faithful to his lover! I will do the same in the future.

Dating app scam part 1

Dating app scam part 2

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Just Being Funny Sketches

TikTok shaky hands shoplifting hack (@hanskimarie)

JBF is back by popular demand. That’s right, I’m bringing you all-new hilarious TRUE tales and truly stupid thoughts. Subscribe to my YouTube or newsletter for more funny stories!

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller regrets leaving St. Maarten for windy Chicago. Her weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com/JBF.

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Just Being Funny

Getting scammed on Ecuadorian beach—Just Being Funny

JBF is back by popular demand. That’s right, I’m bringing you all-new hilarious TRUE tales and truly stupid thoughts. Subscribe to my YouTube or newsletter for more funny stories!

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller regrets leaving St. Maarten for windy Chicago. Her weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com/JBF.

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Just Being Funny

Stupid Thoughts—Just Being Funny

I love a good nap. In fact, I consider myself a nap expert of sorts. My obsession with naps goes way back. I wrote a four- or six-page essay in high school, by hand, titled “The Art of Napping.” The section I remember the most detailed how to nap undetected in class. Did I get a passing mark? *hair flick* My English teacher gave me an 8/10.

I say all of that to say I’ve been a prolific nonsense talker for a long time. Here are some other stupid (but hopefully helpful) thoughts.

Social media profiles: Please remove expired domains from your bio. I’m tryna stalk, and you’re leading me to dead ends.

Crepes: Crepes are what happens when a well-meaning parent wants to make pancakes, but they have fifty eleven children to feed.

Relationship status: I’m not single. I’m in an open relationship with myself.

Plus ones: Ever have that friend who is intentionally vague so you have to ask them a million questions just so they don’t try nothing funny?

Who all coming?

Oh, you know, just us.

Who is us?

Jim and them

Who is them?

John and the rest

Who is the rest?

Kim and the crew

Who is the crew?

Not Racist: When people say, “I’m not racist. I have a [race] friend.” That’s like me saying, “I’m not poor. I have a money!”

Babies on social media: What is the most popular social media platform for babies? Yelp. #BadPuns

Marriage statistics: Did you know that being married statistically increases your odds of waking up next to a dead person? You’re welcome.

Self-checkout: Old people use cashiers to avoid computers. Young people use self-checkout to avoid humans…and to steal.

Hair helmets: #DearWhitePeople: Treat Black women’s hair how you treat white men’s toupees. If Bob from Accounting showed up with a new rug, you’re not gonna ask dumb questions like ‘how did you grow it so quickly?’ You not asking for a feel!

Restroom: Real talk, why do they call it a “restroom” when that’s the one place your butthole be working overtime?

Quarantine birthdays: Rumor has it if you celebrate your birthday during quarantine, you don’t actually age a year. You age 84 years.

Career compatibility: Things that make me a good journalist: I be suspicious. Things that make me a bad journalist: I be minding my bidness.

Mafia policies: You think the mafia doing shakedowns via Zoom calls?

Hard truths: I don’t want y’all to be mad, but under her clothes, your mother naked 🙂

Forks: A fork is just a comb for your spaghetti. You’re welcome.

Therapy is expensive so shout out to my Twitter followers (@OniciaMuller) who allow me to share and engage with my silly thoughts and more without canceling me. Thank you for your service.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

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Just Being Funny

Airplanes, bagel heads, and breast implants—Just Being Funny

I was watching Airplane! (1980) and spotted a pair of fake breasteses. At first, it meant nothing to me, but then my brain said: Wait a minute, isn’t this film old as dust? How long have breast implants been a thing?

So, in the middle of the night, my roommate and I fired up the old internet search engine to learn everything we could about breast implants, breast augmentations, and everything fake-boobie related. You’re welcome.

If you don’t know, a breast implant is a prosthesis used to change the size, shape, and contour of a person’s breast. Sadly, they only come in circular or teardrop shapes; no one is getting square, cone, or triangular chest ornaments. Hey, before you say that’s ‘silly,’ let me remind you that bagel headwas a beauty trend in the early 2010s. In fact, as recent as August 2020, a woman got forehead implants to look more like a cyborg.

Man, if this is how we’re spending our money when we’re drowning in student loan debt, imagine how decadent our lifestyles would be if we had universal free college? Actually, if I think about it, getting a bagel-shaped silicone implant in my forehead might be a more sound investment than blowing 80 racks on a screenwriting degree. I won’t go into how, but just take a few moments to daydream and you’ll catch the vision.

The first generation of modern implants came out in 1963. Before then, breast augmentation surgery could be traced back to the 1800s. That’s right, we were blowing up boobies before we figured out vacuum cleaners, radio broadcasting, and electric washing machines!

(Y’all, don’t hold me to these raggedy internet facts. I’m just a dutty head with a keyboard looking for jokes.)

Back then, ‘doctors’ were putting any ole’ thing into people’s chest to give them enlarged breasts. For example, implants were made from ivory, glass balls, ground rubber, ox cartilage—and so many other gnarly things. Bruh, somebody’s great-grandma is decomposed in a grave with two rock-hard (or should I say glass-hard?) glass balls in her chest area.

You have to ask yourself if any of these man dem ever touched a boob. Like, why would you think ivory or glass would make the perfect filler substance for what should be the most supple part of our anatomy?

Another amazing fact: The first living creature to receive silicone implants was a dog. I wanna know if they gave the dog one silicone boob or a full 10-pack of D-cups? I lowkey would be wex if they didn’t fill her out all the way.

We might never know if chesticular enhancement made male doggies go “bow wow wow,” but I’m sure furries around the world are salivating. (Please maintain your innocence and don’t search ‘furries.’)

Shout out to the FDA for always dragging they feet on regulating industries. Without your non-diligence, many would have to die of old age or wouldn’t experience the joy that is a class action lawsuit payout.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

image credit:

Bra by mette galaxy from NounProject.com
Bra by Med Marki from NounProject.com
Bra by Xinh Studio from NounProject.com
Bra by Llisole from NounProject.com
Elizabeth McQuern Photography

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Comedy Just Being Funny

My pastor taught me to dutty wine—Just Being Funny

It was the annual youth revival when good ole Pastor Clive Dottin put me on to the ‘dutty wine,’ now a classic piece of modern Caribbean poetry and choreography.

The news, teachers, and preachers think that they be preventing wotlessness, but honestly, 80% of the wild things I googled as a teen were first introduced to me by them. I’d never even considered bending my back and lifting my head up or turning sideway and lifting my leg up until Pastor Dottin described the dance in church. My word. My paragraph.

For your entertainment and edification, I’d like to (re)introduce you, readers, to the poetic genius that is Tony Matterhorn’s Dutty Wine. I pulled up the Genius lyrics to really get to the bottom (no pun intended) of the song writer’s intentions.

One of dem, two of dem, send the crew of dem. I will wine dem.

The first time I heard this musical challenge, I had no idea who Tony Matterhorn was. His confidence in being able to satisfy not one, not two, but a whole crew of women with da wickedest wine intrigued me. I imagined a beefy black Samson of a man slaying sexually depraved women with just the shadow of the tip of his penis. Yeah, not his whole penis. Not the tip, but the shadow of the tip.

In verse two, after a long series of physical maneuverings, the great Matterhorn instructs us to ‘And turn true side like you know you fed up. Turn roun like you know rose duck.’

First of all, you’re absolutely right I’m fed up. Is we dancing or is this some kind of crazy P90X workout? Nah, there was climbing involved, so this was more like parkour or cross fit.

Secondly, ‘rose duck.’ What is a rose duck? All these years I thought mas was saying ‘roast duck.’ Not that that makes more sense. It just always opened up my appetite when I belted ‘Turn roun like you know roast duck’ from the top of my lungs.

Urban Dictionary had no idea what rose duck was, so I could only assume that the lyricists at Genius.com are wrong and that a night of dancing made ole Matterhorn hungry and he too had roast duck on his mind.

Go inna bushes and go in inna tree

If you go pon di bed your not going wi mi

This song is supposed to be about Tony Matterhorn’s sexual prowess, but honestly, it reads like a virgin who stumbled into some low-quality hentai and used that content to lie to his friends about his sexual experiences.

Go pon di floor go pon di TV

Go pon di dresser and bruk up figurine

What. did. I. say. This man’s sexual fantasy is having intercourse on dresser covered with toy figurines. If this ain’t the imagination of a pimple-faced 13-year-old boy at work, I don’t know what is. LOL.

Shout out to all my dancehall kings and queens.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

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Comedy Just Being Funny

Hi-tech cheating attempt goes wrong—Just Being Funny

Y’all know I love a good scam. This one minute and fifty-six-second news clip about two high schoolers living in India who found a creative way to cheat was so delicious, I had to share with y’all.

Apparently, two engineering students used an invention to cheat for social science, economics, and engineering. They managed to hoodwink the people surveying the exam for two days but were busted during the engineering test.

First off, everyone knows third time is not the charm when it comes to criminal activity. You need to be strategic about your cheats. You can’t be trying to play the system on every go.

Secondly, y’all cheating as a team?! That takes trust. I tried cheating with a group once. We got away with it. But I’ll tell you this, there was so much stress maintaining friendships because they might snitch on you in retaliation.

Also, when people know you’re cheating or you got the plug or that you are just good at a subject, they want to do wild stunts like try to get you to pass your answers to them. Get away from me, you peasant.

The news report said the two young men ordered a mini microphone and other equipment online to create a hi-tech cheating device. The contraption consisted of a Bluetooth-powered earpiece, a mobile phone, and some microchips and wires which they hid in their underwear.

Okay, so much to unpack here.

Y’all got a budget for cheating?! Back in my day, all I had was time and whatever office supplies I could find around the house.

Two: Couldn’t be me ordering phones and cables and microphones to do an exam. A stunt like that could only be done with Amazon Prime’s one-day shipping. Who credit card y’all put this on?

What if you blow the bag but still fail the test? Oh, it happens.

There’s never enough space on the cheatsheet to write everything you covered in class. Nah, you got to pray to the holy ghost guides you to the right passages.

I remember having to write my cheat sheets several times. One time I wrote was too big. The next I wrote so small that the letters just bled together. Eventually, I’d just accidentally memorize everything.

Speaking of memorization, you ever write your answers in code or shorthand? You be thinking you so clever, but then you show up on the test date and what you wrote be looking like Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Sad.

Now, let’s talk about how they rigged the device into their underwear. Brave and iconic. With all those exposed wires, I would be double nervous that the sweat from my buttcheeks would cause me to get shocked.

Cheating truly is a scam. You spend so much time and effort creating what you hope to be a foolproof system, but you’re probably better off just studying for the test.

Oh yeah, always keep your head up when posing for a mugshot. It’s 2020; mugshots be launching felonious modelling careers. Just look up Jeremy “Prison Bae” Meeks.

Shout out to all young scammers. May the multiple-choice odds play in your favour.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash