Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy Women in Comedy

Good Island Gyal — A Caribbean Comedy Special by Onicia Muller

Caribbean comedian Onicia Muller jokes about surviving death and getting revenge on her crappy OBGYN who failed to diagnose her preeclampsia. Now she’s a good island gyal gone bad.

Shoutout to Paul Schissler (The Baddest B*tch) and Niles Abston (Household Name) whose comedy specials inspired me to produce and share #GoodIslandGyal.

Being funny on command requires proper nutrition. Please buy me ice cream. As thanks for the nutrition, I’ll happily send you my birth story video.

For bookings contact Nick Youmans bookings[at]oniciamuller[dot]com.

Filmed at The Rusty Rocket on Sint Maarten in front of a live audience.

For ELIZABETH, SHATORIA, IAH, and all the good island gyals.

ONICIA MULLER: GOOD ISLAND GYAL (2023)

Written and performed by
ONICIA MULLER

Executive produced by
REMIGIO TORRES
SHUDIKE TORRES
ONICIA MULLER

Promotional graphics by
SHAWN YORK
ONICIA MULLER

Cameras and audio
KAREEM ROMBLEY
HERBIE-JUNIOR MARLIN

Special thanks to
KAREEM ROMBLEY
ESDRA RICHARDSON + RUSTY ROCKET
SUPPA KID + LASER 101
EUNICE JARRETT
LISA EBEL
AMY SUMPTER
RACHAEL KAY ALBERS
KELSIE HUFF

lil fizz butthole - onicia mullewr - homorrhoidectomy
Categories
Just Being Funny

Airplanes, bagel heads, and breast implants—Just Being Funny

I was watching Airplane! (1980) and spotted a pair of fake breasteses. At first, it meant nothing to me, but then my brain said: Wait a minute, isn’t this film old as dust? How long have breast implants been a thing?

So, in the middle of the night, my roommate and I fired up the old internet search engine to learn everything we could about breast implants, breast augmentations, and everything fake-boobie related. You’re welcome.

If you don’t know, a breast implant is a prosthesis used to change the size, shape, and contour of a person’s breast. Sadly, they only come in circular or teardrop shapes; no one is getting square, cone, or triangular chest ornaments. Hey, before you say that’s ‘silly,’ let me remind you that bagel headwas a beauty trend in the early 2010s. In fact, as recent as August 2020, a woman got forehead implants to look more like a cyborg.

Man, if this is how we’re spending our money when we’re drowning in student loan debt, imagine how decadent our lifestyles would be if we had universal free college? Actually, if I think about it, getting a bagel-shaped silicone implant in my forehead might be a more sound investment than blowing 80 racks on a screenwriting degree. I won’t go into how, but just take a few moments to daydream and you’ll catch the vision.

The first generation of modern implants came out in 1963. Before then, breast augmentation surgery could be traced back to the 1800s. That’s right, we were blowing up boobies before we figured out vacuum cleaners, radio broadcasting, and electric washing machines!

(Y’all, don’t hold me to these raggedy internet facts. I’m just a dutty head with a keyboard looking for jokes.)

Back then, ‘doctors’ were putting any ole’ thing into people’s chest to give them enlarged breasts. For example, implants were made from ivory, glass balls, ground rubber, ox cartilage—and so many other gnarly things. Bruh, somebody’s great-grandma is decomposed in a grave with two rock-hard (or should I say glass-hard?) glass balls in her chest area.

You have to ask yourself if any of these man dem ever touched a boob. Like, why would you think ivory or glass would make the perfect filler substance for what should be the most supple part of our anatomy?

Another amazing fact: The first living creature to receive silicone implants was a dog. I wanna know if they gave the dog one silicone boob or a full 10-pack of D-cups? I lowkey would be wex if they didn’t fill her out all the way.

We might never know if chesticular enhancement made male doggies go “bow wow wow,” but I’m sure furries around the world are salivating. (Please maintain your innocence and don’t search ‘furries.’)

Shout out to the FDA for always dragging they feet on regulating industries. Without your non-diligence, many would have to die of old age or wouldn’t experience the joy that is a class action lawsuit payout.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

image credit:

Bra by mette galaxy from NounProject.com
Bra by Med Marki from NounProject.com
Bra by Xinh Studio from NounProject.com
Bra by Llisole from NounProject.com
Elizabeth McQuern Photography

Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy

The Goddess Wears a Sexy Purple Thong [VIDEO]

So, another year in high school, my school paid for us to go to a youth leadership summit. My I buy this purple thong and bra set. Because I’d been traumatized by the sexy blue underwear incident, I decided to go a size up because obviously that’s what you need to do in life. And you can’t try on thongs in the store. I get back home and I put it on and it’s like: Oh, dear. It’s not like swimming, but it just feels like I can’t feel the string in my butt. 

It’s so illogical but I had visions of the thong magically slinking to the floor. You know how you can remove your bra and it comes out on one side? Well, for some reason, I kept having this thought like I’m gonna be walking and then this thong is gonna slide out my jeans and everyone is gonna know that the goddess is wearing big underwear. 

Instead, I put it on and I walk around with my butt clenched. I mean, obviously I’m wearing jeans and there no way for your underwear to fall out, but I’m just walking with my butt clenched the whole day. 

I get home and I’m just place the purple thong on the self. 

Now I’m at peace with whatever is going around here. And I stick to black boxer briefs because you don’t have to think whether it’s matching. It’s the same cut and there are no surprises.sister was in college so now we get to spend our parents money without them knowing what we’re actually buying. We go to the mall and she asks, “are you a goddess?” I said, “Yes, I’m a goddess!” Then she was like, “Do you want a thong?” I said, “I don’t own a thong!” So she was like today is the day.