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Comedy Just Being Funny

Hi-tech cheating attempt goes wrong—Just Being Funny

Y’all know I love a good scam. This one minute and fifty-six-second news clip about two high schoolers living in India who found a creative way to cheat was so delicious, I had to share with y’all.

Apparently, two engineering students used an invention to cheat for social science, economics, and engineering. They managed to hoodwink the people surveying the exam for two days but were busted during the engineering test.

First off, everyone knows third time is not the charm when it comes to criminal activity. You need to be strategic about your cheats. You can’t be trying to play the system on every go.

Secondly, y’all cheating as a team?! That takes trust. I tried cheating with a group once. We got away with it. But I’ll tell you this, there was so much stress maintaining friendships because they might snitch on you in retaliation.

Also, when people know you’re cheating or you got the plug or that you are just good at a subject, they want to do wild stunts like try to get you to pass your answers to them. Get away from me, you peasant.

The news report said the two young men ordered a mini microphone and other equipment online to create a hi-tech cheating device. The contraption consisted of a Bluetooth-powered earpiece, a mobile phone, and some microchips and wires which they hid in their underwear.

Okay, so much to unpack here.

Y’all got a budget for cheating?! Back in my day, all I had was time and whatever office supplies I could find around the house.

Two: Couldn’t be me ordering phones and cables and microphones to do an exam. A stunt like that could only be done with Amazon Prime’s one-day shipping. Who credit card y’all put this on?

What if you blow the bag but still fail the test? Oh, it happens.

There’s never enough space on the cheatsheet to write everything you covered in class. Nah, you got to pray to the holy ghost guides you to the right passages.

I remember having to write my cheat sheets several times. One time I wrote was too big. The next I wrote so small that the letters just bled together. Eventually, I’d just accidentally memorize everything.

Speaking of memorization, you ever write your answers in code or shorthand? You be thinking you so clever, but then you show up on the test date and what you wrote be looking like Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Sad.

Now, let’s talk about how they rigged the device into their underwear. Brave and iconic. With all those exposed wires, I would be double nervous that the sweat from my buttcheeks would cause me to get shocked.

Cheating truly is a scam. You spend so much time and effort creating what you hope to be a foolproof system, but you’re probably better off just studying for the test.

Oh yeah, always keep your head up when posing for a mugshot. It’s 2020; mugshots be launching felonious modelling careers. Just look up Jeremy “Prison Bae” Meeks.

Shout out to all young scammers. May the multiple-choice odds play in your favour.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

Categories
Comedy Just Being Funny

Why micro-cheating is the ultimate #WasteMyTime—Just Being Funny

According to HelloGiggles, a women’s lifestyle blog, a new type of cheating has been established called micro-cheating. I immediately rolled my eyes. Like, what is that? Cheating but with just the tip of your penis?

Was micro-cheating like cheating but only butt stuff? You know what they say, you’re still a virgin if you only use the back door.

Surely this blog had to be written on a slow news day. Nope. I did an internet search and both Psychology Today and Time had articles about this. So then I was like wait a minute now.

According to Psychology Today, “Micro-cheating is a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship.” Think of things like constantly checking out someone’s social media account, not mentioning your relationship status, secretly texting, or connecting with a past lover online (without telling your partner).

Okay, that last one is just the first 45 minutes of cheating. Y’all gonna be smashing in an hour or two. And there ain’t nothing micro about the big O.

Friends, micro-cheating and situationships are so vague you don’t know where you stand. For all you know that other person is also a micro-cheater or otherwise entangled. Now, when you get popped by your significant other, the micro-boo can’t take you in because they have a whole relationship they were hiding from you.

People say cheaters are wasting their time, nah cheaters are biding their time.  Big difference. At least with real cheating, if your main relationship goes south, you have a new one waiting for you.

To me, if you’re going to cheat, go big or go home, literally. You can get all those things from your partner with no drama or fear. Imagine losing half your stuff and your home over some likes, comments, and subscribes.

All micro cheaters get are flirtations social media comments and stolen nonversations™ (nonsense conversations. You’re welcome.)

If I wanted to listen to the minute details of someone’s life, I’d become a therapist, not pull some weird cheating not cheating move. That’s like edging (the maintenance of a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period of time without reaching climax).

At least cheaters and official side pieces get flewed out, bags, and crabs. Hey, no one said cheating was one hundred percent a good time.

Micro-cheating is a slippery slope to a boring time. It’s like using your cheat day to eat gluten-free, sugarless desserts. Bruh, dem things taste like cardboard. They taste like having kitty litter or a whole desert in your mouth. Blech. 

Shout out to my big-time OG-style cheaters and monkey bar-ers. At least you’re breaking hearts and wasting people’s time with clear and honest intentions.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo by Chris Benson on Unsplash