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Comedy Stand-up Comedy

Cocaine McDonald’s [VIDEO]

So, my coworker with a coke problem—no judgement. No judgment from me. If you have a coke problem, sit down right here, there’s no judgment.

She was like “Hey, onicia. I’m going to visit your island and I kinda, you know, [snorts] I kind wanna party a little bit. Can you like hook me up with the local drug scene?

I too am a child of D.A.R.E. and I chant, very often, “Users are losers so don’t be an abuser.” But, I do know several crackheads. So, I was like I’ll hook you up. My cousin: huuuge crackhead. I’ll hoke you up. 

She comes back two weeks later and she was like “Onicia, your cousin is an animal. We went to the dealer’s place six times in one night!”

So, first of all, I did not realize that all crackheads were not created equal. I was like oh really? And then, I was like, six times in one night? Could you imagine going to McDonald’s six times in one night? 

I’m like if you’re gonna party and I roll up and I’m like, “Girl, I got McDonald’s money!!!” Why would we go [pretends to pull up to a drive through] “Can I have one hamburger?” Go home. Nom nom nom.

Oh, you know what, we should get some fries. “Can we get some fries?” [pretends to pull up to a drive through] “Can I get a drink?”

No! If I say we’re gonna have a McDonald’s mukbang, we’re rolling up to the Dollar Menu. Can I get 100 items?!

Probably, by trip number three, you gotta be so F-ed up. Who is driving?!

Like, I guess that’s what life is, right? Some of us pay student loans and some of us are buying coke. And some—the one percent—are doing both.

So, anyways kids, this is what I gotta say: If your gospel music playlist does not make you twerk is it really blessed and sanctified?

Categories
Comedy Just Being Funny

Binging cocaine like McDonald’s—Just Being Funny

My coworker with a coke problem—look, if you like the booger sugar, you might catch these jokes, but not judgement.

Anyway, my coworker with a coke problem was like “Hey, Onicia. I’m going to visit your island and I kinda, you know, [snort] I kind wanna party a little bit. Hook me up with the local drug scene.”

As a child of D.A.R.E., the chant “Users are losers so don’t be an abuser” is often replayed in my mind. That said, I do know several crackheads. Wanting to be a great ambassador for my island, I hooked my coworker with my friend Rebecca, a certified junkie.

Two weeks later she said, “Onicia, Rebecca is an animal. We went to the dealer’s place not once, not twice, but six times in one night!”

So, first of all, I did not realize that all crackheads were not created equal.

After a moment, the second part of my coworker’s statement settled—these two powder queens went to a dealer’s spot SIX TIMES IN ONE NIGHT!

The night is only eight hours. Don’t you need time to drive back home, do ze drugs, and enjoy le high before bugging the dealer again? I dunno about you, but if I needed to make multiple trips because I wasn’t able to properly scratch my itch, I’d start to suspect that the dealer might be cutting my baking soda with coke.

Das right, your baking soda might be laced.

But let’s say they were dealing with an honest dealer. Isn’t the point of going to the trap house to get enough so you can get high? I highly doubt they were playing it conservative. If I was the dealer I’d be like heaux, stop knocking on my door like you da Feds. Decide what you want at home, order it, and leave me ‘lone!

Can you imagine going to McDonald’s six times in one night?

Listen, if I roll up saying, “Girl, I got McDonald’s money!!!” You know we getting at least one meal. And if we go back a second time, it’s for dessert. There’s no way I making six trips.

No! If I say we’re gonna have a McDonald’s mukbang, we’re rolling up to the Dollar Menu and getting all da goodz.

In my professional sober person opinion, if you’re snorting dat crack cocaine, you gotta be so F-ed up by trip number three that there’s no way you can make it from the couch to your driveway, let alone the dealers. I wanna know who was driving?!

What kind of super crackhead powers did my friend Rebecca have? What kind of money was my coworker making? We were working the same job and I barely could afford to ball out on fast food.

I guess that’s what life is, right? Some of us pay student loans and some of us are buying coke. And some—the one per cent—are doing both.

Shout out to the dealers who force their clientele to practice moderation.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

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