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News Onicia Updates

Is it Okay For Artists to Take a Break?—Onicia Update

Hey, Friends!

It’s me, Onicia! Writer. Comedian. Internet bestie who triggered your abandonment issues by going on a year-long hiatus from slinging jokes and writing stories.

My last official newsletter update was in April 2023. I was very deep into my postpartum recovery and getting revenge on my crappy OBGYN.

Is it good for artists to take breaks?

YES! As a (bad) Seventh-Day Adventist, I will never give up Sabbath rest. I might not always make it to church, but I’m always gonna unplug for the weekend. Recently, several popular YouTubers like Adam Neely and Extranet Shaquille shared their experiences with burnout and their futures on social media.

One thing I like about being an artist before social media and content marketing is that stepping away from the public and working in private (this doesn’t mean completely alone).

In a Vox article by Rebeca Jennings, fellow comedian, marketing expert, and IRL friend Rachael Kay Albers shared thoughtful commentary on the pressure for artists to constantly be marketing and selling our work.

Taking a break was good for me. I’m happy to be in the land of the living sharing my “little” updates with you.

Addressing broken promises.

Last year, I promised to mail out some free greeting cards. Um, that ain’t happening. If you really want my new designs, my online shop is still open. If money is an issue, shoot me an email. We’ll work something out. <3

The producers of Louder Than A Mom never uploaded my story on getting revenge on my OBGYN. It usually takes them a few months. I didn’t feel like hounding them. You can hear the tales and other funny stories in my first half-hour comedy special ‘Good Island Gyal’.

Sooo, about them splits. My flexibility journey is still ongoing. I actually did a 90-minute stretch session today! Near the end of January, I completed 9 days of a 14-day stretching challenge. I got discouraged because I felt like I wasn’t seeing progress. Near day 9, I became less flexible. I forgot that rest (muscle rehabilitation) is an important part of training. It’s been about 5 days, and I finally saw more progress. By hook or by crook, I’m going to achieve the front splits. I recorded a few sessions, so you will see progress soon!!!

What have I been doing since last April?

I intentionally took a 1-year break from professional art-making (comedy, storytelling, fiction writing) and freelancing (content marketing and writing). The timing was perfect because I wasn’t in a great space mentally. A handful (yeah, that many) of good friends passed away, lots of family drama, my roommates and I had a bacterial lung infection and the flu (AT THE SAME TIME), and several scammers tried to do fraud on my bank card.

That said, good things also happened. I won’t share those right now because I’m rushing to complete some tasks on my to-do list.

How was 2023 for you? It was lovely seeing many of you IRL at my shows, on the Writers Guild picket lines, and on the internet. Hit ‘reply’ and let’s catch up!

Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy Women in Comedy

Good Island Gyal — A Caribbean Comedy Special by Onicia Muller

Caribbean comedian Onicia Muller jokes about surviving death and getting revenge on her crappy OBGYN who failed to diagnose her preeclampsia. Now she’s a good island gyal gone bad.

Shoutout to Paul Schissler (The Baddest B*tch) and Niles Abston (Household Name) whose comedy specials inspired me to produce and share #GoodIslandGyal.

Being funny on command requires proper nutrition. Please buy me ice cream. As thanks for the nutrition, I’ll happily send you my birth story video.

For bookings contact Nick Youmans bookings[at]oniciamuller[dot]com.

Filmed at The Rusty Rocket on Sint Maarten in front of a live audience.

For ELIZABETH, SHATORIA, IAH, and all the good island gyals.

ONICIA MULLER: GOOD ISLAND GYAL (2023)

Written and performed by
ONICIA MULLER

Executive produced by
REMIGIO TORRES
SHUDIKE TORRES
ONICIA MULLER

Promotional graphics by
SHAWN YORK
ONICIA MULLER

Cameras and audio
KAREEM ROMBLEY
HERBIE-JUNIOR MARLIN

Special thanks to
KAREEM ROMBLEY
ESDRA RICHARDSON + RUSTY ROCKET
SUPPA KID + LASER 101
EUNICE JARRETT
LISA EBEL
AMY SUMPTER
RACHAEL KAY ALBERS
KELSIE HUFF

lil fizz butthole - onicia mullewr - homorrhoidectomy
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Comedy Scams Swindles Schemes Web Series

Art scams: invisible sculptures and blank canvases—Scams, Swindles, and Schemes

Devin takes the wheel this episode to talk about two stories that have been bothering him for some time. Are these art scams really scams? Or schemes to take money from people with too much in the first place? $18,000 is about how much Devin has left to pay for the college degree he earned twenty years ago, but some people spend that much on “invisible sculptures” in Italy.

Onicia talks him off the ledge for the next story about a Danish artist who literally called his show “Take the Money and Run.” A lot has happened since this story was trending last year, but we’re still not sure how to categorize it.

You can reach out to us on Twitter, donate to the scampaign, subscribe to Devin’s and Onicia’s YouTube channels–and tell us what kind of art you’d buy if you had the money.

Invisible sculptures bought with real money

An artist in Italy managed to sell empty space for $18,000, but with a certificate “proving” it exists. Onicia and Devin wonder if they can photoshop one of those certificates to pretend to have one of these sculptures and then sell that.

Question: What would you make a sculpture of if you wanted to sell it?

Shout at @devinagonistes and @OniciaMuller on Twitter.

Blank canvases may not be an art scam

“Take the Money and Run” was an art show in Denmark, but at least that had some tangible results! Devin understands that art is hard, and Onicia has plenty of sympathy, too.

Question: What’s your favorite work of art?

Shout at @devinagonistes and @OniciaMuller on Twitter.

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Comedy Scams Swindles Schemes Web Series

Joyce Hagen-McIntosh defends libraries + Squibler writing app review —Scams, Swindles, and Schemes

Podcaster, librarian, and consultant Joyce Hagen-McIntosh joins Onicia and Devin this week because she and Devin have a lot in common and all three of them love books. They were so appalled at the idea of privatizing libraries that it threatened to take over the episode, but they managed to pull it back, play a game, and have a fun time as always.

Squibler is a writing app where if you stop typing for more than five seconds, everything you’ve written disappears. This seems less like a writing exercise and more of a way for criminals to get stuff off their chest without confessing to the police. It advertises itself as the Most Dangerous Writing App, and we believe it based on the anxiety it causes.

You can reach out to us on Twitter, donate to our sleazy lawyer fund, subscribe to Devin’s and Onicia’s YouTube channels–and tell us your favorite part about going to the library.

Squibler writing app gives Devin a panic attack

Onicia made the mistake of going on Twitter again, where this time she discovered someone talking about Squibler. It’s a writing app that generates a prompt or allows you to start free writing, but if you stop for more than five seconds everything you’ve written is erased. Just the idea of that made Devin start to sweat and check his pulse. It’s taken him ten minutes just to write this paragraph!

Question: Would you use Squibler?

Shout at @devinagonistes and @OniciaMuller on Twitter.

Welcome special guest Joyce Hagen-McIntosh!

Joyce Hagen-McIntosh

Comedian, mom, librarian, and lover of life Joyce Hagen-McIntosh can talk to anyone about anything. She is the host of the podcast Books, Bible, Beer, and Queer, and can be found on Twitter at @jmclibrarian and on Instagram at @joycestandup.

Comedian Joyce Hagen-McIntosh: Public Libraries are NOT a scam

Joyce Hagen-McIntosh discusses a Forbes op-ed that was recent at the time of recording that suggested libraries should be privatized and run by corporations like Amazon. This is such a terrible idea in so many ways, Joyce and Devin almost forgot to rank the story a scam, swindle, or scheme! Finally, Joyce pitches her scam as a romance novelist and everybody plays a new game.  

Question: What’s your favorite romance novel and did you find it at the library?

Shout at @devinagonistes and @OniciaMuller on Twitter.

Categories
Comedy Scams Swindles Schemes Web Series

Personnel Concepts scamming new LLCs? Klaviyo review—Scams, Swindles, and Schemes

Onicia and Devin are by themselves this week to puzzle over two different business ideas that look like they’re supposed to help but at what cost? In Personnel Concepts’ case, ten dollars! But that $10 is the result of being scared into thinking they’re the government when they’re just an ordinary business trying to sell posters and lecturing unsuspecting people about labor laws.

Our listeners who are stuck being office drones for eight hours a day might be familiar with Klaviyo. It’s one of a hundred similar marketing or project management software designed to make our lives easier, and we all know that the internet is free because it’s mining our data. Klaviyo takes it a step further by mining your data and the data of your friends and family!

You can reach out to us on Twitter, donate to our sleazy lawyer fund, subscribe to Devin’s and Onicia’s YouTube channels–and tell us what you would do if you got anything in the mail from Personnel Concepts.

Is Personnel Concepts legit?

There’s a company out there preying on small business owners, making them think they have to send in $10 for a poster otherwise they’re in violation of labor laws. Devin and Onicia are surprised that this blatant posing as the government isn’t illegal in some way. Some people might spend more than that for a poster at a music festival, but at least they aren’t tricked into buying it because they think their business requires it!

Question: How much would you spend on a poster?

Shout at @devinagonistes and @OniciaMuller on Twitter.

More data thieves?! Klaviyo is sneaky

Everybody needs help organizing stuff. Even Onicia uses mailchimp to keep all our subscribers updated on the latest Scams news. But Klaviyo takes it a step further by pulling your name and email address just from you visiting a website. Doesn’t matter what your permission settings are or how you feel about getting updates from some random site you visited once. Onicia shares her strategy for using multiple accounts and incognito browsers, which used to sound like overkill to Devin but now he’s not so sure.

Question: What steps do you take to protect your data?

Shout at @devinagonistes and @OniciaMuller on Twitter.

Categories
Comedy Scams Swindles Schemes Web Series

Lace front wigs are still sus and you need body lotion—Scams, Swindles, and Schemes

We’re back! Scams, Swindles, and Schemes season 2 has officially begun! And we’re picking back up right where we left off, with topics that are definitely not a trap for Devin. Especially since he is a veteran lotion user and has plenty of advice for those looking to buy one that’s right for them!

But that’s not all, Onicia invites him to take a second, longer look at weaves after a brief explanation of the different kinds of “fake hair” one might encounter. And Devin shares how he first learned about all this in a mall food court while babysitting.

Shout at us on Twitter using #scamsss, donate to our sleazy lawyer fund, subscribe to Devin’s and Onicia’s YouTube channels.

WATCH THE FULL EPISODE

Give us money to see our ashy skin and cracked lips

Devin and Onicia discuss the different lotions they’ve used and why, and Onicia shares her misadventures with the worst body lotion out there (you can google it, this brand is that infamous). Also, Onicia details a good alternative to expensive lotions that won’t break the bank, provides a final take on Kevin Durant’s legs, and we start a new fundraising effort!

Question: Tweet us (@devinagonistes and @OniciaMuller) to tell us your go-to brand of lotion! Do you use different lotions for different areas?

Talking about weaves is only a trap if you make it one

Season 1 ended with a close (maybe too close) look at a particular weave to determine if it was a scam, swindle, or scheme, and now Devin and Onicia are zooming out to look at extensions and wigs! It’s not as fraught a conversation this time, and it turns out Devin has a history with this subject that predates his time in Chicago.

Question: Tweet us (@devinagonistes and @OniciaMuller) to tell us your favorite weave stories!

We’ll always be real with you!

Categories
Just Being Funny

Airplanes, bagel heads, and breast implants—Just Being Funny

I was watching Airplane! (1980) and spotted a pair of fake breasteses. At first, it meant nothing to me, but then my brain said: Wait a minute, isn’t this film old as dust? How long have breast implants been a thing?

So, in the middle of the night, my roommate and I fired up the old internet search engine to learn everything we could about breast implants, breast augmentations, and everything fake-boobie related. You’re welcome.

If you don’t know, a breast implant is a prosthesis used to change the size, shape, and contour of a person’s breast. Sadly, they only come in circular or teardrop shapes; no one is getting square, cone, or triangular chest ornaments. Hey, before you say that’s ‘silly,’ let me remind you that bagel headwas a beauty trend in the early 2010s. In fact, as recent as August 2020, a woman got forehead implants to look more like a cyborg.

Man, if this is how we’re spending our money when we’re drowning in student loan debt, imagine how decadent our lifestyles would be if we had universal free college? Actually, if I think about it, getting a bagel-shaped silicone implant in my forehead might be a more sound investment than blowing 80 racks on a screenwriting degree. I won’t go into how, but just take a few moments to daydream and you’ll catch the vision.

The first generation of modern implants came out in 1963. Before then, breast augmentation surgery could be traced back to the 1800s. That’s right, we were blowing up boobies before we figured out vacuum cleaners, radio broadcasting, and electric washing machines!

(Y’all, don’t hold me to these raggedy internet facts. I’m just a dutty head with a keyboard looking for jokes.)

Back then, ‘doctors’ were putting any ole’ thing into people’s chest to give them enlarged breasts. For example, implants were made from ivory, glass balls, ground rubber, ox cartilage—and so many other gnarly things. Bruh, somebody’s great-grandma is decomposed in a grave with two rock-hard (or should I say glass-hard?) glass balls in her chest area.

You have to ask yourself if any of these man dem ever touched a boob. Like, why would you think ivory or glass would make the perfect filler substance for what should be the most supple part of our anatomy?

Another amazing fact: The first living creature to receive silicone implants was a dog. I wanna know if they gave the dog one silicone boob or a full 10-pack of D-cups? I lowkey would be wex if they didn’t fill her out all the way.

We might never know if chesticular enhancement made male doggies go “bow wow wow,” but I’m sure furries around the world are salivating. (Please maintain your innocence and don’t search ‘furries.’)

Shout out to the FDA for always dragging they feet on regulating industries. Without your non-diligence, many would have to die of old age or wouldn’t experience the joy that is a class action lawsuit payout.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

image credit:

Bra by mette galaxy from NounProject.com
Bra by Med Marki from NounProject.com
Bra by Xinh Studio from NounProject.com
Bra by Llisole from NounProject.com
Elizabeth McQuern Photography

Categories
News

Reminder: Don’t eat from everyone’s kitchen 😩

Happy Holidays, friends!

Friendly reminder: this season (and every season, TBH) we will not eat from everyone’s kitchen. Some of y’all be seasoning y’alls pans with cat butt juice and then acting offended when we choose to dine elsewhere.

AITA for letting my cat sit in the roasting pan?

Comic Books Are a Scam! (But Not Really)—Scams, Swindles, and Schemes

Las chancalas are coming for dat 4$$

Angelica (panchopiggytron) has another hilarious clip about Mexican culture (click on image or this link to watch)

Sign up for my newsletter for the super-secret 50% off code.

As always, special thanks to erica dreisbach the good web develper, Shawn York for dope video editing and graphics, and Elizabeth McQuern for dope headshots.

Categories
Comedy Scams Swindles Schemes Web Series

Are Mistresses and The Bachelor a Scam?? — Scams, Swindles, and Schemes

Yay, Scamageddon is here! Our first episode is a hot 15 minutes. We’ll do our best to stay out of any legal hot waters. Tweet us your thoughts, feedback, and —most importantly—your social security number and birth date.

AP Style Guide rebranding “mistress” 

So, it seems AP Style Guide is being messy by rebranding the term “mistress” to something more family-friendly. What say you, friends? Is this a scam, swindle, or scheme?

Share this AP Style Guide clip with your friends.

Scams, Swindles, Schemes - SoberFurious - Devin Whitlock - Onicia Muller
Click to view on Twitter

Question: What would you rebrand “Mistress” to? Friend? Companion? Consort? Courtesan?

‘The Bachelor’ sucks at matchmaking

ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’ is in it’s 25th season. That’s right, humans born the year it premiered are old enough to drink. Even weirder, many of them have already found true love. Unfortunately, of the 25 relationships launched on reality television, only 15 resulted in a proposal and only two couples are still together.

The Bachelor relationship stats - Scams Swindles and Schemes - Onicia Muller - Devin Whitlock
Click to view contestant relationship statuses on Wikipedia

Question: Who do you believe joined ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’ for clout? We wanna know who you think is/was scammin’!

Share this clip on ‘The Bachelor’ with your friends.

Categories
Comedy Scams Swindles Schemes Web Series

Scammin’ ain’t easy [VIDEO]

As you know, I say “funny” things to pay the bills. Sometimes those things get me in trouble. Regardless, I do it anyway!

‘Scams, Swindles, and Schemes’ might attract a libel lawsuit, but Devin Whitlock (@devinagonistes) and I (@OniciaMuller) are young(ish) and dumb, and ready to dive head-first into this adventure. 

‘Scams, Swindles, and Schemes’ premiers Friday, June 18, 2021. Peep the trailers below.