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News Onicia Updates

My new web show about scams is hilarious — Onicia Update

As a former crime reporter turned comedic screenwriter, a lot of my personal interests reside at the intersection of crime and comedy. Today, I’m happy to announce that Devin Whitlock and I have launched a new web show!

‘Scams, Swindles, and Schemes’ is a friendship web show thingy where we look at internet culture stuff, everyday problems, and ideas that may be more pervasive than you thought. Then we determine if something is a Scam, a Swindle, or a Scheme!

Each episode is under 15 minutes, and we cover 2 to 3 topics. Get ready for snarky comments about MLMs, get rich quick schemes, so-called ‘lifehacks,’ and whatever is trending on the internet.

Special shout out to our super talented video editor Shawn York of Shawn York Media for producing our videos and graphics.

Click over to OniciaMuller.com/Scamsss to watch full episodes and bonus content.

A heartfelt THANKS to Eunice, Shatoria, and erica for being super generous supporters of the ice cream fund.

P.S.: Is there a possible scam or allegedly scammy person you think we should feature on ‘Scams, Swindles, and Scheme,’ email me at HeyOnicia[at]OniciaMuller[dot]com.

P.S.S.: erica Dreisbach is still the best web developer in Chicago —nay, the universe!

Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy

The Goddess Wears Sexy Underwear [VIDEO]

I was about sixteen when my mom decided to gift me some underwear. I know right, teenager and mom sharing underwear, whats going on here? She’d bought a bra and panty set and because they came together as one, only the bra fit but not the panties. So she was like, “Hey, Oni. Do you want this? 

When I was in high school, I was a grungy girl. I wore pants that were unironed and kinda like big. I had people ask me a few times “Girl, where is your butt.” I was like, “I have a butt and teenage boys aren’t allowed to see it because it’s mine and you tease me, so it’s a secret.”

I also wore, not oversized T-shirts, but anything to hide the nonexistent breasteses. But my secret was that I wore sexy underwear. So, whenever someone was like “Oh, Onicia you’re so ugly or too skinny”, I’d be like, that’s what you say now, but I’m a goddess underneath here.

So, the underwear was tiny and blue, and they cut your but in a V-shape and—wait for it— and they had really cool metal swirly things near the hips. I was like, yes, I’m gonna be over here secretly belly dancing from first to seventh period—just sexy time all day long.

When I finally get to put them on, I go to school. It’s the third period and I’m sitting in class and I have a massive headache. I’m like, dear Jesus, I dont know whats happening but you need to fix it because I cannot think. 

I go to the bathroom and i don’t have to pee but maybe I have to pee. Like, let’s just try and undo some stuff. So, as I pull down my pants, I realize that my underwear is cutting into my hip bone. As you can see, I’m just bones right now so I was more bones back in high school. My hip area was just inflamed. I realized, Oh God, it’s too tight. This can’t be life. 

I decided that I’m going to wad some toilet paper together to like add some cushion. I go back to class and I still can’t think. Lord, Jesus, you gotta fix it. 

One period later, I decide to inch my underwear down. I thought maybe this area was narrower but that doesn’t work because your hips go wider. 

Another period later, I think maybe I should pull it up because my waist is tiny. But now I’m just cutting my crotch. 

Eventually, I make it home. I look at my sexy underwear and I think, Jesus, this is not for me. So, I just rest it in my closet. Then, once a week for like about six months, I’d wonder if today was the day. Sometimes I’d put them on but I’m just like I’m gonna lose my life trying to be sexy for people who don’t even know it. 

Eventually, I just toss them in the trash. I thought to myself, ugh, I’m not being a good goddess.

Categories
Comedy Scams Swindles Schemes Web Series

Scams, Swindles, and Schemes — a web show starring Devin Whitlock and Onicia Muller

‘Scams, Swindles, and Schemes’ is a friendship web show thingy where we look at internet culture stuff, everyday problems, and ideas that may be more pervasive than you thought. Then we determine if something is a Scam, a Swindle, or a Scheme!

Devin Whitlock

@devinagonistes

Devin Whitlock writes about gay comic books on the Internet, but also pop culture as a whole. He enjoys exposing scams, especially the one about the point of life being to hoard wealth. He runs the Chicago Public Library’s Comics Book Club, and his writing has appeared in GeeksOUT, Comicosity, and MEL Magazine. Read his blog on Medium.

Categories
Stories TV Scripts

Matched – Original TV Pilot by Onicia Muller

LOGLINE: The love algorithms predicted Pietre and Irene would be a 98% match. They’re equally smug, frugal jerks with radical politics and twisted fantasies. Together, they’ll learn that they are many things, but they are in love most of all.

If you enjoyed my original half-hour comedy pilot, ‘Matched,’ email me at HeyOnicia[at]OniciaMuller.com with feedback, collaboration requests, and ice cream donations.

Photo credit erica dreisbach. Note: Ziwe Fumudoh and Josh Dela Cruz are not associated with this project; erica and I just wish they were. Holla at me!

Categories
Stories TV Scripts

Counting On Kendra – Original TV Pilot by Maya Montrell and Onicia Muller

Logline: When a jaded accountant with a mysterious chronic illness and an extreme couponer go viral, her scam-obsessed best friend pushes them into the wacky world of private investigation.

Counting on Kendra advanced to round 2 of Sundance’s Episodic Lab (2020).

Pilot Synopsis

ACT 1

KENDRA watches finance videos in bed. AVON, calls to say that his nonprofit job agreed to have Kendra host a financial literacy workshop. Kendra fears committing because of her chronic health issues. She’s even too sick to buy toiletries.

With Avon’s support, a bedazzled cane, and a motorized shopping cart, Kendra makes it to the store. Kendra doesn’t see PATRICIA grabbing all the air fresheners in the household and cleaning supply aisle. She’s on a video call telling Avon about an alternative healing retreat. 

Kendra finally notices Patricia, her binder of coupons, and overflowing cart when she joins the check-out queue. Patricia says Kendra can livestream her ring up.

Kendra and Patricia politely to explain the difference between ‘per purchase’ and ‘per transaction.’ Unfortunately, the cashier and manager are convinced they’re committing coupon fraud.

ACT 2

Apparently, couponing while black is an arrestable offense, so Avon hops on Instagram live to raise awareness.

Dr. BIAGI shoots down any talk about alternative remedies and offers what Kendra considers is bullshit advice for her ailments.

While Avon is in the hospital’s bathroom confronting a man who refuses to wash his hands, Patricia calls Kendra with good news. She got them booked on Good Morning Chicago (GMC). Kendra ends the call when Avon enters chasing Mr. Dirty Hands.

VLAD (Kendra’s boss) tells REGINA from HR to set up a meeting to discuss Kendra’s extended medical leave. At this point, Kendra has been sick longer than she’s been employed.

Patricia tells her online community that her GMC appearance is uncertain because she hasn’t heard from Kendra.

In their meeting, Vlad and Regina tell Kendra to return to work full-time or lose her job. She has the weekend to think it over.

Upset that she lost a great PR opportunity for her couponing website, Patricia calls Avon to find out what’s up with Kendra.

ACT 3

Avon cleans Kendra’s apartment while reading comments and emails from fans.

Lupe knows Kendra is an accountant, not a lawyer. Still, the recently divorced mother of one hopes Kendra can help investigate her ex’s finances.

Kendra ain’t trying to be Harriette the Spy but Avon convinces her to at least do right by Patricia by contacting GMC. Also, if Kendra loses her job and ends up needing a GoFundMe, GMC is the perfect platform to get the word out.

MEL and AMIR, hosts of GMC, have differing opinions about couponing. Kendra snaps when Amir makes several indirect comments calling couponers moochers.

Couponers aren’t frugal jerk unwilling to pay full price. Sometimes you’re the only person in your family who “makes it ” and uses coupons to help your community. Sometimes your scumbag ex won’t pay their fair share of child support, so you’re stuck maintaining a household on a single income. Some people have invisible disabilities and can’t work a 40-hour week. Unlike Amir, Kendra won’t shame people for trying to survive or leave them hanging when they’re counting on her.

Maya Montrell - Chicago scriptwriter - Onion Features contributor - Counting on Kendra

Maya Montrell – Writer/Creator

Maya Montrell is a Chicago-based writer and improviser. This Southern Belle with a not-so-secret passion for floral arrangements once dreamed of a career in public health. Now she’s following her heart by pursuing the creative arts.

Maya is currently studying Anthropology and Linguistics. In 2019 she was a part of The Onion’s Diverse As F*ck writing workshop. This year she created and produced the five-week improvised medical drama, ‘Code Grey’ at The Annoyance Theater.

Her creative work centers around uncovering personal biases. She’s interested in exploring the intersection between linguistics and medicine. 

When Maya is not in class, she’s at the yoga studio or on Twitter impersonating Angela Bassett’s missing Oscar. She is equal parts carefree, careless, and careful.

If you enjoyed our original half-hour comedy pilot, ‘Counting on Kendra,’ email us at HeyOnicia[at]OniciaMuller.com with feedback, collaboration requests, and icecream donations.

Lead Photo by Jazmin Quaynor on Unsplash

Categories
Comedy Just Being Funny

Just Being Funny

a weekly humour column by Onicia Muller

Just Being Funny (JBF) is best described as Chicken Soup for the Naive Sceptic’s Soul. The smartly-written humour feature sprinkles in Caribbean patois and #BlackTwitter slang. JBF explores painfully hilarious personal grooming failures; awkward social encounters; side-splitting tales on dating in a swipe-right world; and comical rants about surviving the gig economy.

Just Being Funny is published every Saturday in The Daily Herald’s WEEKender.

“You social media kids talk in hashtags and sound effects. … I really like the Onicia who is a little wacky and a little bit of a devil.”

– Dee Ryan, Producer of Louder Than A Mom

My newsletter offers two fresh batches of JBF every month!

Are you a newspaper or magazine interested in increasing your readership by publishing hilarious stories? Contact Nick Youmans at bookings[at]oniciamuller[dot]com.