Comedy Just Being Funny

Why I won’t ever look like Naomi Campbell—Just Being Funny

The “smokey makeup” was masterful except the “smoke” was above my lip and the “makeup” was hairs. Removal could transform me into Naomi Campbell, but cheapness had me looking like “Stache” Harvey. Yup, bad puns for bad moustaches.

Since I enjoy pulling my lone chin hair from le root, tweezing promised to be that euphoric sensation times three million. Listen, viciously plucking face hairs is a certified torture tactic — bun fiya pon alla it.

Applying homemade wax (i.e. molten hot sugar lava) directly to my face wasn’t exactly genius moves.

Dem say shaving nah mek yuh hair thicker, but irony is shaving my hairy lip for casting a shadow only to have micro razor cuts darken the area.

Doing laser hair removal on a barely-there moustache is like giving community police military weapons for regular patrols.

According to laser hair removal companies, you need eight to twelve sessions to get the full result. Between those sessions you can’t bleach, pluck or wax the hairs – you’ll be looking like Super Mario but they promise you’ll see results.

If you ask me, that sounds like a sketchy plastic surgeon’s delay and dodge tactic: “Your breast implants aren’t malformed. You should wait one year to see the full results then we’ll discuss refunds.” But while da tebbe at home waiting, the doc done pack up shop and moved to Thailand.

And did you know that laser treatment can cause some hairs to grow longer and thicker? DAS DA OPPOSITE OF WHY I’M HERE, LINDA!

So you tell me, are any of those options worth it when I could simply go to the beauty supply store and buy concealer and cover my smokey lip makeup? Future me thinks not. Past me on the other hand…

I should have gone to bed but sometimes impatience gets in the way of common sense.

I sniffed the half-empty bottle of Nair. How important are expiration dates anyways? What if I keep the product on longer, you know, in case “expired” just means “less effective”?

Aaand, that’s why it’s called Nair; that fossilised tube of liquid razors had me singing Nearer, My God, to Thee! Depilatory? More like debilitating!

I sent my sisters a video message: “Dear Fada, me jus bun off me face! Before ya force me ta live like a likkle hatched-faced gyal, me beg ya a forgive me vanity. Please avenge yuh faithful servant n rain hail, brimstone n fiya pon di beauty industry.”

Caught up in a spirit they typed: “Pahahahaha skjskjskj whahaha. Gyal you a fool.” I went to bed clutching an ice pack to my face. Thankfully the Nair cream didn’t incinerate my flesh — leaving my gums and teeth exposed.

To beauty gurus who swear waxing makes hair thinner so we eventually won’t need it; Who among you has reached hairless Nirvana? I’ll wait.

Shout out to all the moustaches that don’t regrow as freakishly thick mink stoles.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy.