Categories
News Onicia Updates

Podcasting grant and supporting Black creators — Onicia Update

Hey Friends,

Devin and I applied for a grant(?) from Podca$h. Help increase our chances by sending Podca$h a ‘love letter’ about #Scamsss. Deadline March 4. Don’t know what to say? Copy this handy message:

“Hey Podca$h, I need my weekly dose of #Scamsss. Give Devin and Onicia some money…and maybe also your social security number.”

https://www.podcash.com/love-letters/p2D36

Breadfruit Media has podcasting tips

The very booked and busy Kerry-Ann Reid-Brown, founder of Breadfruit Media and Carry on Friends Podcast created a lovely podcasting resource. So, if you want to start a podcast, this Podcast Starter free mini course is for you.

7 super cute passion twist styles

As y’all know, I’m not booty guru but I do make content for beauty brands. Anyway, #TBT to when my beauty bestie Janera Rose created this fun hair tutorial. Anways, it’s February, go support a Black woman by like, commenting, and subscribing.

Stupid Thoughts—Just Being Funny

caribbean comedian onicia muller - just being funny

I’ve been a prolific nonsense talker for a long time. Here are some other stupid (but hopefully helpful) thoughts. Social media profiles: Please remove expired domains from your bio. I’m tryna stalk, and you’re leading me to dead ends. KEEP READING

“Who can relate??? 🙋🏾‍♀️🙋🏾‍♀️ Those moments when you about to act all the way up on social media and your mogul spirit activates and intervenes 🤣🤣.” Follow @trending_sxm on Instagram.

Let the Black people in your life know you care. Send them a funny greeting card. [JOIN MAILING LIST] for 30% off all orders over $20.

Categories
Just Being Funny

Stupid Thoughts—Just Being Funny

I love a good nap. In fact, I consider myself a nap expert of sorts. My obsession with naps goes way back. I wrote a four- or six-page essay in high school, by hand, titled “The Art of Napping.” The section I remember the most detailed how to nap undetected in class. Did I get a passing mark? *hair flick* My English teacher gave me an 8/10.

I say all of that to say I’ve been a prolific nonsense talker for a long time. Here are some other stupid (but hopefully helpful) thoughts.

Social media profiles: Please remove expired domains from your bio. I’m tryna stalk, and you’re leading me to dead ends.

Crepes: Crepes are what happens when a well-meaning parent wants to make pancakes, but they have fifty eleven children to feed.

Relationship status: I’m not single. I’m in an open relationship with myself.

Plus ones: Ever have that friend who is intentionally vague so you have to ask them a million questions just so they don’t try nothing funny?

Who all coming?

Oh, you know, just us.

Who is us?

Jim and them

Who is them?

John and the rest

Who is the rest?

Kim and the crew

Who is the crew?

Not Racist: When people say, “I’m not racist. I have a [race] friend.” That’s like me saying, “I’m not poor. I have a money!”

Babies on social media: What is the most popular social media platform for babies? Yelp. #BadPuns

Marriage statistics: Did you know that being married statistically increases your odds of waking up next to a dead person? You’re welcome.

Self-checkout: Old people use cashiers to avoid computers. Young people use self-checkout to avoid humans…and to steal.

Hair helmets: #DearWhitePeople: Treat Black women’s hair how you treat white men’s toupees. If Bob from Accounting showed up with a new rug, you’re not gonna ask dumb questions like ‘how did you grow it so quickly?’ You not asking for a feel!

Restroom: Real talk, why do they call it a “restroom” when that’s the one place your butthole be working overtime?

Quarantine birthdays: Rumor has it if you celebrate your birthday during quarantine, you don’t actually age a year. You age 84 years.

Career compatibility: Things that make me a good journalist: I be suspicious. Things that make me a bad journalist: I be minding my bidness.

Mafia policies: You think the mafia doing shakedowns via Zoom calls?

Hard truths: I don’t want y’all to be mad, but under her clothes, your mother naked 🙂

Forks: A fork is just a comb for your spaghetti. You’re welcome.

Therapy is expensive so shout out to my Twitter followers (@OniciaMuller) who allow me to share and engage with my silly thoughts and more without canceling me. Thank you for your service.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Categories
News Onicia Updates

Paying for a movie deal + breast implants?—Onicia Updates

She lives!

New #scamsss and #JBFxOnicia. You’re welcome.


$299 for 5 Minutes to Practice a Pitch?! And No Deal

Airplanes, bagel heads, and breast implants—Just Being Funny

Caribbean comedian - onicia muller - breast implant - plastic surgery

The first generation of modern implants came out in 1963. Before then, breast augmentation surgery could be traced back to the 1800s. That’s right, we were blowing up boobies before we figured out vacuum cleaners, radio broadcasting, and electric washing machines! [READ JBF]

Cries in #trilingual 😢

Angelica (panchopiggytron) has another hilarious clip about Mexican culture (click on image or this link to watch)

Use [SECRET CODE FOR NEWSLETTER SUBSCRIBERS] for 30% off all orders over $20. Expires when I change my mind. Should I make animated greeting cards?

Categories
Just Being Funny

Airplanes, bagel heads, and breast implants—Just Being Funny

I was watching Airplane! (1980) and spotted a pair of fake breasteses. At first, it meant nothing to me, but then my brain said: Wait a minute, isn’t this film old as dust? How long have breast implants been a thing?

So, in the middle of the night, my roommate and I fired up the old internet search engine to learn everything we could about breast implants, breast augmentations, and everything fake-boobie related. You’re welcome.

If you don’t know, a breast implant is a prosthesis used to change the size, shape, and contour of a person’s breast. Sadly, they only come in circular or teardrop shapes; no one is getting square, cone, or triangular chest ornaments. Hey, before you say that’s ‘silly,’ let me remind you that bagel headwas a beauty trend in the early 2010s. In fact, as recent as August 2020, a woman got forehead implants to look more like a cyborg.

Man, if this is how we’re spending our money when we’re drowning in student loan debt, imagine how decadent our lifestyles would be if we had universal free college? Actually, if I think about it, getting a bagel-shaped silicone implant in my forehead might be a more sound investment than blowing 80 racks on a screenwriting degree. I won’t go into how, but just take a few moments to daydream and you’ll catch the vision.

The first generation of modern implants came out in 1963. Before then, breast augmentation surgery could be traced back to the 1800s. That’s right, we were blowing up boobies before we figured out vacuum cleaners, radio broadcasting, and electric washing machines!

(Y’all, don’t hold me to these raggedy internet facts. I’m just a dutty head with a keyboard looking for jokes.)

Back then, ‘doctors’ were putting any ole’ thing into people’s chest to give them enlarged breasts. For example, implants were made from ivory, glass balls, ground rubber, ox cartilage—and so many other gnarly things. Bruh, somebody’s great-grandma is decomposed in a grave with two rock-hard (or should I say glass-hard?) glass balls in her chest area.

You have to ask yourself if any of these man dem ever touched a boob. Like, why would you think ivory or glass would make the perfect filler substance for what should be the most supple part of our anatomy?

Another amazing fact: The first living creature to receive silicone implants was a dog. I wanna know if they gave the dog one silicone boob or a full 10-pack of D-cups? I lowkey would be wex if they didn’t fill her out all the way.

We might never know if chesticular enhancement made male doggies go “bow wow wow,” but I’m sure furries around the world are salivating. (Please maintain your innocence and don’t search ‘furries.’)

Shout out to the FDA for always dragging they feet on regulating industries. Without your non-diligence, many would have to die of old age or wouldn’t experience the joy that is a class action lawsuit payout.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

image credit:

Bra by mette galaxy from NounProject.com
Bra by Med Marki from NounProject.com
Bra by Xinh Studio from NounProject.com
Bra by Llisole from NounProject.com
Elizabeth McQuern Photography

Categories
Comedy Just Being Funny

My pastor taught me to dutty wine—Just Being Funny

It was the annual youth revival when good ole Pastor Clive Dottin put me on to the ‘dutty wine,’ now a classic piece of modern Caribbean poetry and choreography.

The news, teachers, and preachers think that they be preventing wotlessness, but honestly, 80% of the wild things I googled as a teen were first introduced to me by them. I’d never even considered bending my back and lifting my head up or turning sideway and lifting my leg up until Pastor Dottin described the dance in church. My word. My paragraph.

For your entertainment and edification, I’d like to (re)introduce you, readers, to the poetic genius that is Tony Matterhorn’s Dutty Wine. I pulled up the Genius lyrics to really get to the bottom (no pun intended) of the song writer’s intentions.

One of dem, two of dem, send the crew of dem. I will wine dem.

The first time I heard this musical challenge, I had no idea who Tony Matterhorn was. His confidence in being able to satisfy not one, not two, but a whole crew of women with da wickedest wine intrigued me. I imagined a beefy black Samson of a man slaying sexually depraved women with just the shadow of the tip of his penis. Yeah, not his whole penis. Not the tip, but the shadow of the tip.

In verse two, after a long series of physical maneuverings, the great Matterhorn instructs us to ‘And turn true side like you know you fed up. Turn roun like you know rose duck.’

First of all, you’re absolutely right I’m fed up. Is we dancing or is this some kind of crazy P90X workout? Nah, there was climbing involved, so this was more like parkour or cross fit.

Secondly, ‘rose duck.’ What is a rose duck? All these years I thought mas was saying ‘roast duck.’ Not that that makes more sense. It just always opened up my appetite when I belted ‘Turn roun like you know roast duck’ from the top of my lungs.

Urban Dictionary had no idea what rose duck was, so I could only assume that the lyricists at Genius.com are wrong and that a night of dancing made ole Matterhorn hungry and he too had roast duck on his mind.

Go inna bushes and go in inna tree

If you go pon di bed your not going wi mi

This song is supposed to be about Tony Matterhorn’s sexual prowess, but honestly, it reads like a virgin who stumbled into some low-quality hentai and used that content to lie to his friends about his sexual experiences.

Go pon di floor go pon di TV

Go pon di dresser and bruk up figurine

What. did. I. say. This man’s sexual fantasy is having intercourse on dresser covered with toy figurines. If this ain’t the imagination of a pimple-faced 13-year-old boy at work, I don’t know what is. LOL.

Shout out to all my dancehall kings and queens.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Categories
Comedy Just Being Funny

Jessica Krug vs Onicia Pope, Political Fixer—Just Being Funny

It was a regular day in quarantine when the former professor of African history Jessica Krug entered the offices of Onicia Pope, Caribbean political fixer.

Krug: Do you…Do you recognize me?

Onicia: Jessica Krug a.k.a. Jess La Bombalera a.k.a. Rachel Dolezal 2.0? Of course, I recognize you and your poorly dyed, crispy ends. Don’t tell me, your lil confessions on Medium didn’t inspire radical forgiveness or a lucrative book deal, and now you want me to rehab your image.

Krug: Um, yes, please. Look, as a Jewish woman, I know that pretending to be Black was wrong. I admitted as much. Now I’m just hoping—

Onicia: Who gave you my number? Was it Hubert Minnis?

Krug: I um…maybe.

Onicia: Choops. I should bill him too. Girl, you didn’t just pretend to be Black; you took on four different identities. First North African Blackness, then US-rooted blackness, then Caribbean-rooted Bronx blackness. And baby girl, if no one told you, I’m telling you now that your blackcent was capital letter T, Trash.

Krug: Sigh. I guess it’s only right that you’d want to read me before you consider helping me.

Onicia: Of course I’m gonna read your culture-leaching, “My name is Cuz but the immigration officials misspelled it when my family immigrated from the Caribbean” whack self. Like, what was you thinking when Rachel Dolezal got outed? Didn’t you consider this a sign from a bob to confess? If you’d done it back then at least you’d have someone to stand in solidarity with. How many more of y’all in hiding?

Krug: In hiding? I don’t know. Look, I clearly have been battling some unaddressed mental health demons for my entire life.

Onicia: Well, sis, I’m glad you said it but that really ain’t an excuse. Yes, I know you agree, but it feels like you’re trying to do reverse psychology. I’m here to say it ain’t working.

Krug: Yes, but moving beyond all that, what can I do to improve my situation?

Onicia: You’s cancelled. I’m not gonna tarnish my brand trying to rehab yours. You could have been an honorary yardie, but you wasn’t true to yourself. You stole our culture, and centred yourself in our struggles.

Krug: Please, there must be something you can do.

Onicia: Girl, it’s over for you. You best go and start an OnlyFans or find something to sell online anonymously. Cause looking at your tattered tresses and those soft hands it don’t seem like you can cook nor do hair. At least my girl Rachel Dolezal—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—but, at least Rachel was actually down for the cause. She was raising Black kids, and even after we shunned her over-tanned behind, she continued to love us, do hair, and hold her corner. You’re dismissed.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo credit: Twitter

Categories
Onicia Updates

Funny Greeting Cards – Onicia Update

No, no news from Sundance as yet. We find out on August 12. I’ll post the news (good or bad) in my September newsletter. 

My funny greeting cards are ready and my online store is live! Please support by art by buying a card. Cards not your thing? Consider sending me ice cream money. Thanks to all my beta testers and Deb Walker

Last month, I wrote and performed the tale of Lajabless for the Forsee Foundation. If you’re into ghost stories, then you need to hear about the Caribbean she-devil who entices drunk men and turns them into human sacrifices. You can listen to Lajabless and other Caribbean folklore on the Forsee Foundation’s SoundCloud

Just Being Funny: A sketchy dinner date with a broke sugar daddy
My wallet was stolen hours after I’d withdrawn thousands of Pesos from my bank account. We had just enough to cover our hostel costs until our trip was over. We needed money, and we needed it— Knock. Knock. Yuck, it was that toad-face, middle-aged guy who kept asking us out. ¡¡Lightbulb!! Talk about knock and […]

Just Being Funny: Mr. Greedy ate my regurgitated steak
Bullfighting is like a local gang challenging you to a one-on-one fistfight, but when you show up, they got a big ole knife and a clownin’ homie for backup. After witnessing the absolutely appalling murder of innocent bulls, I vowed never to eat steak that I knew personally. The murder? Horrific. The steak? Terrific! Before […]

Lastly, I want to thank the GOOD web developer erica dreisbach for creating my new WordPress website. Holla at her. 

Looking for a content writer or editor? Hire me to write snappy blogs, articles or witty social media posts! HeyOnicia@OniciaMuller.com

Categories
Comedy Just Being Funny

Total Life Scam

a public service by Onicia Muller

Is Total Life Changes A Scam?

Mercadeo Multinivel: Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (HBO)

Las compañías de mercadeo multinivel aclaman ser negocios legítimos, pero algunas parecen ser terriblemente… piramidales. John Oliver y Jaime Camil nos demuestran como funcionan.

Multilevel Marketing: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Multilevel marketing companies claim to be legitimate businesses, but some seem awfully…pyramid-shaped. John Oliver and Jaime Camil demonstrate how they work. ​

Just Being Funny: Total Life Scam

By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller

Originally published in The Daily Herald’s WEEKender on February 2, 2019

This one ‘bout ta end friendships.

I stumbled across some word vomit drizzled in emojis promoting Total Life Changes’ (TLC) Iaso tea. It said the company provided health and wealth through ingesting and selling their weight loss products.

A cursory internet search revealed that TLC is a multi-level marketing (MLM) company. Judge Judy says MLMs (network marketing) are just “legal pyramid schemes” and “pipedreams for fools.” Yup, everyone’s favorite TV judge determined that “all pyramid schemes are the same, regardless of the product.”

FYI, Judge Judy was a practicing lawyer for 31 years before going on to hosts a 3-time Daytime Emmy Award-winning TV show for 25 seasons. She knows about business and law.

The following might come off as classist, elitist, and all other kinds of -ists, BUT did you know that scammers send grammatically incorrect messages because that’s the easiest way to scare off anyone with common sense? Seriously, if you can’t bother to question such a poorly written text then you are just the gullible fool needed to wire your retirement savings to help an inconvenienced Nigerian prince.

Listen, I can’t part with my money if your messaging has typos. Yup. If you can’t show working knowledge of you, your, and you’re, then I can’t transfer funds from me, my, and mine bank account. Let me be a classist grammar snob. It is better than being a foolish, dotish, or any other –ish separated from their hard earned money.



Simple.

One MLM hun shared a video featuring four plump hens in a nondescript conference room gushing about their upcoming ‘Copy. Paste. Paid.’ workshop. Candace Byrd Davis and her three business partners claimed to have spent thousands on the digital marketing event but their ill-matched makeup, cheap costume jewelry, DIY hairstyles, basic af T-shirts, and low-budget video production indicated that was probably a lie.

The pyramid crumbles so fast that Mrs. Byrd Davis who claimed she lost 107lbs in 7 months using TLC products has since moved on to pushing Hempworx’s CBD oil. For two years of she testified that TLC was her secret to wealth and health but suddenly her Youtube channel is wiped clean and her social media accounts only talk about Hempworx. The magic of the internet is that anything we post can be found even if we delete them.

Y’all MLM huns say you do research but the fact that you allow these conmen to switch up their identities so easy proves that y’all are a lie.

I’ve worked for thousandaires, millionaires, and billionaires; wealthy native speakers write like English is their third language. Most won’t know this because these legitimate business people pay writers like me to correct their internal and public-facing documents.

How yuh a ‘six-figure weekly earner’ but yuh still have a day job? You mean to tell me you earning minimum one hundred thousand ($100,000) to max nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine dollars ($999,999) a week?!

Yes, revenue isn’t profit or post-tax income. However, had yuh won $100,000 in the lotto yuh wudda rolled up pun yuh job like Samuel L Mother F-ing Jackson and shouted, “I’m rich, bish! Now kiss my dusty bum cheeks.” Don’t matter if that money only lasts you a year. But nah, all that bank and yuh can’t cover the cost of my starter kit! Suspect.

How all the before and after photos are from randos from everywhere except our lil island? Seems everyone involved is as fat — and some fatter — than they were before TLC.

I asked Rebecca who had been shilling the product for at least four months about her experience.

“I started with the [Iaso] tea and the vitamins which regulated my bowel movements and my chronic headaches … The resolution drops take away my anxiety and control my appetite so it’s easier to make healthier choices. I’ve been off them for a few weeks now since I been busy and my family being here on vacation but I’m going to start back in the coming week with some workouts to lose some extra pounds I’ve gained.”

Impossible! TLC’s Iaso Tea claims to help you lose 5lbs in five days by drinking two 8oz glasses of tea a day. The resolution drops aka ‘gastric bypass in a bottle’ can help you lose up to 2lbs per day. According to a Cornell University study of 3,000 people in the United States, Germany, and Japan, people gained an average of 1.3 lbs over the holidays. For some, this weight took up to 5 months to lose.

So, did Rebecca gain something crazy like 20+lbs between October and January or was her diarrhea tea so nasty she couldn’t burn a likkle 5lbs by simply drinking 10 glasses in five days?

Sigh. All you need ta do is watch Shark Tank to figure out that MLM products are poor quality, overpriced snake oil. A thin cover to make Ponzi and pyramid schemes appear legal.

Shark Tank entrepreneurs say their $6 products sells for $24.99 wholeslae and $50 retail. Why is the profit margins for MLM products so small? It’s cause huns are customers paying retail and not wholesale prices.

Look, our island can only handle two McDonalds. The market can’t sustain hundreds of independent TLC sellers. Do we even have 100 grocery stores? The Minister of Finance and all math and economics teachers should dedicate a class to crunching MLM numbers. We must ban MLMs especially because the uplines are foreigners who are straight up stealing from our communities.

Shout out to all the huns from Total Life sCam, (Sc)Amway, It(Doesn’t)Works (Sh)ItWorks, 5(Broken)Links and other go-bankrupt-quick schemes for wasting Al Gore’s Internet™ and spamming Zuckerburg’s book of faces. Hopefully, y’all quit before you deplete your savings. 

Categories
Comedy Just Being Funny

Just Being Funny

a weekly humour column by Onicia Muller

Just Being Funny (JBF) is best described as Chicken Soup for the Naive Sceptic’s Soul. The smartly-written humour feature sprinkles in Caribbean patois and #BlackTwitter slang. JBF explores painfully hilarious personal grooming failures; awkward social encounters; side-splitting tales on dating in a swipe-right world; and comical rants about surviving the gig economy.

Just Being Funny is published every Saturday in The Daily Herald’s WEEKender.

“You social media kids talk in hashtags and sound effects. … I really like the Onicia who is a little wacky and a little bit of a devil.”

– Dee Ryan, Producer of Louder Than A Mom

My newsletter offers two fresh batches of JBF every month!

Are you a newspaper or magazine interested in increasing your readership by publishing hilarious stories? Contact Nick Youmans at bookings[at]oniciamuller[dot]com.