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Comedy Stand-up Comedy

The Goddess Wears Sexy Underwear [VIDEO]

I was about sixteen when my mom decided to gift me some underwear. I know right, teenager and mom sharing underwear, whats going on here? She’d bought a bra and panty set and because they came together as one, only the bra fit but not the panties. So she was like, “Hey, Oni. Do you want this? 

When I was in high school, I was a grungy girl. I wore pants that were unironed and kinda like big. I had people ask me a few times “Girl, where is your butt.” I was like, “I have a butt and teenage boys aren’t allowed to see it because it’s mine and you tease me, so it’s a secret.”

I also wore, not oversized T-shirts, but anything to hide the nonexistent breasteses. But my secret was that I wore sexy underwear. So, whenever someone was like “Oh, Onicia you’re so ugly or too skinny”, I’d be like, that’s what you say now, but I’m a goddess underneath here.

So, the underwear was tiny and blue, and they cut your but in a V-shape and—wait for it— and they had really cool metal swirly things near the hips. I was like, yes, I’m gonna be over here secretly belly dancing from first to seventh period—just sexy time all day long.

When I finally get to put them on, I go to school. It’s the third period and I’m sitting in class and I have a massive headache. I’m like, dear Jesus, I dont know whats happening but you need to fix it because I cannot think. 

I go to the bathroom and i don’t have to pee but maybe I have to pee. Like, let’s just try and undo some stuff. So, as I pull down my pants, I realize that my underwear is cutting into my hip bone. As you can see, I’m just bones right now so I was more bones back in high school. My hip area was just inflamed. I realized, Oh God, it’s too tight. This can’t be life. 

I decided that I’m going to wad some toilet paper together to like add some cushion. I go back to class and I still can’t think. Lord, Jesus, you gotta fix it. 

One period later, I decide to inch my underwear down. I thought maybe this area was narrower but that doesn’t work because your hips go wider. 

Another period later, I think maybe I should pull it up because my waist is tiny. But now I’m just cutting my crotch. 

Eventually, I make it home. I look at my sexy underwear and I think, Jesus, this is not for me. So, I just rest it in my closet. Then, once a week for like about six months, I’d wonder if today was the day. Sometimes I’d put them on but I’m just like I’m gonna lose my life trying to be sexy for people who don’t even know it. 

Eventually, I just toss them in the trash. I thought to myself, ugh, I’m not being a good goddess.

Categories
Comedy Stand-up Comedy

The Goddess Wears a Sexy Purple Thong [VIDEO]

So, another year in high school, my school paid for us to go to a youth leadership summit. My I buy this purple thong and bra set. Because I’d been traumatized by the sexy blue underwear incident, I decided to go a size up because obviously that’s what you need to do in life. And you can’t try on thongs in the store. I get back home and I put it on and it’s like: Oh, dear. It’s not like swimming, but it just feels like I can’t feel the string in my butt. 

It’s so illogical but I had visions of the thong magically slinking to the floor. You know how you can remove your bra and it comes out on one side? Well, for some reason, I kept having this thought like I’m gonna be walking and then this thong is gonna slide out my jeans and everyone is gonna know that the goddess is wearing big underwear. 

Instead, I put it on and I walk around with my butt clenched. I mean, obviously I’m wearing jeans and there no way for your underwear to fall out, but I’m just walking with my butt clenched the whole day. 

I get home and I’m just place the purple thong on the self. 

Now I’m at peace with whatever is going around here. And I stick to black boxer briefs because you don’t have to think whether it’s matching. It’s the same cut and there are no surprises.sister was in college so now we get to spend our parents money without them knowing what we’re actually buying. We go to the mall and she asks, “are you a goddess?” I said, “Yes, I’m a goddess!” Then she was like, “Do you want a thong?” I said, “I don’t own a thong!” So she was like today is the day.