Comedy Just Being Funny

Why micro-cheating is the ultimate #WasteMyTime—Just Being Funny

According to HelloGiggles, a women’s lifestyle blog, a new type of cheating has been established called micro-cheating. I immediately rolled my eyes. Like, what is that? Cheating but with just the tip of your penis?

Was micro-cheating like cheating but only butt stuff? You know what they say, you’re still a virgin if you only use the back door.

Surely this blog had to be written on a slow news day. Nope. I did an internet search and both Psychology Today and Time had articles about this. So then I was like wait a minute now.

According to Psychology Today, “Micro-cheating is a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship.” Think of things like constantly checking out someone’s social media account, not mentioning your relationship status, secretly texting, or connecting with a past lover online (without telling your partner).

Okay, that last one is just the first 45 minutes of cheating. Y’all gonna be smashing in an hour or two. And there ain’t nothing micro about the big O.

Friends, micro-cheating and situationships are so vague you don’t know where you stand. For all you know that other person is also a micro-cheater or otherwise entangled. Now, when you get popped by your significant other, the micro-boo can’t take you in because they have a whole relationship they were hiding from you.

People say cheaters are wasting their time, nah cheaters are biding their time.  Big difference. At least with real cheating, if your main relationship goes south, you have a new one waiting for you.

To me, if you’re going to cheat, go big or go home, literally. You can get all those things from your partner with no drama or fear. Imagine losing half your stuff and your home over some likes, comments, and subscribes.

All micro cheaters get are flirtations social media comments and stolen nonversations™ (nonsense conversations. You’re welcome.)

If I wanted to listen to the minute details of someone’s life, I’d become a therapist, not pull some weird cheating not cheating move. That’s like edging (the maintenance of a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period of time without reaching climax).

At least cheaters and official side pieces get flewed out, bags, and crabs. Hey, no one said cheating was one hundred percent a good time.

Micro-cheating is a slippery slope to a boring time. It’s like using your cheat day to eat gluten-free, sugarless desserts. Bruh, dem things taste like cardboard. They taste like having kitty litter or a whole desert in your mouth. Blech. 

Shout out to my big-time OG-style cheaters and monkey bar-ers. At least you’re breaking hearts and wasting people’s time with clear and honest intentions.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy.

Photo by Chris Benson on Unsplash