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Comedy Just Being Funny

Fatal affairs and tebbe lovers—Just Being Funny

Is losing your partner to cheating really that serious? To me it can’t be because it’s not like you’ll be lonely, you have the person you were cheating with, no? Well, I must be alone in this thinking since movies like Fatal Affair (2020) and others claim that it is.

So much of Fatal Affair was me screaming “Just tell your husband!!!” I didn’t understand why Nia Long’s character allowed a non-incident to spin so far out of control.

For those who haven’t seen it, here’s a mostly spoiler-free recap. Ellie is a married woman who reconnects with David, a friend from college. They go to a club for drinks and end up making out in the bathroom. No, not having sex, they literally just kissed. Well, David got Ellie to remove her drawers but they definitely, definitely didn’t smash. But that was enough for David to become a stalker.

Yes, Ellie should just fess up to her husband and get him to tell David to back off, but she doesn’t. Why? Well, if you watched the film carefully—the devil is in the details in these thriller films, you know.

See, about three minutes into the film, there’s a scene where Ellie is talking on the phone. If you look closely, you’ll see that she’s holding the dang thing upside down! That fumble alone should have told me to click off the film because homegirl clearly didn’t have a lick of sense.

But nah, I stayed for the drama of it all.

So yeah, after the “affair”, David has stalker mode activated. But Ellie knew this from day one. See, David was hired by Ellie’s firm to do some hacking because he’s Sir Hacky McHackerson.

But not really. He’s the dumbest hacker on earth.

First off, David kept all of his incriminating files in documents on his desktop! Along with plainly naming the files ‘Deborah’ (his murdered ex-wife) and ‘Ellie’, the blasted files weren’t even password protected!

Bruh, a thirteen-year-old trying to hide porn from their parents has better security protocols than David.

Finally, after months of trying to kill her family, we get to the big fight-for-our-lives scene. While scuffling with Ellie and husbae, David ends up hanging from the edge of a cliff. Instead of seeing this as divine intervention from above, Ellie rushes to David’s side and tries to pull him up!

Hold the dang phone!

After all the stress this man put me and my family through, I would have pulled a Scar and let David fall to his death like Mufassa. 

Seriously, if I was Ellie’s husband, that scene might have pissed me off so much I would have just thrown her and she stalker lover off the cliff.

Anyways, the moral of the story is always use 2-factor authentication and tell your partner about any and all flirtations.

Shout out to my future stalker; I look forward to pulling a Lion King and chucking you off a cliff.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo credit: Netflix

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Comedy Just Being Funny

Revoke my Black card, ‘Waiting to Exhale’ sucked—Just Being Funny

I finally watched Waiting to Exhale. Controversial thoughts in 3…2…1…That film was some Tyler Perry-levels of overly dramatic and corny shenanigans. Forest, I didn’t know you had it in you.

Everything Angela Bassett’s character did would land you court-ordered domestic violence classes and probably even lose your kids—the very thing she was fighting for.

I bet Wesley Snipes’ character ain’t even had no white wife with cancer. His entire backstory was some master-level pickup artist ish.

If Angela Bassett was so good at business, why didn’t she sell her house, downsize and start her own venture? Since she helped to create such a successful company, she could do like rich white kids and “bootstrap.” Beloved, the boots already strapped; leverage your network, net worth, and other resources.

Lela Rochon was sleeping with three men—count ’em, one, two, three—at the same time and still managed to get dickmatized??? That’s the opposite of what’s supposed to happen! See kids, this is what happens when you want to play in the big leagues but belong in the minors.

After watching Waiting to Exhale, I searched “Whitney Houston crack timeline”. Thanks, MTV for being so diligent and putting that together. I tell you if you want to know about something, the internet will have the answer. Anyways, I wonder if they gave Whitney that dialogue as a way to drop some hints. The movie was so bad that I’m not reading the book to find out if that part was them taking creative license.

Speaking of Whitney’s characters, are moms really out here telling their children to date married people who won’t leave their spouses? With such scallywag life advice, it’s no wonder Whitney Houston’s character’s mom only had $67 in her bank account. Foolish. 

I have no complaints about Loretta Devine’s character—except her man wasn’t cute and her general homophobic attitude was off-putting. But, considering the lack of character all the cute dudes had, I’ll gladly take a homely handyman any day.

I can’t believe I waited almost twenty-five years to watch Waiting to Exhale—is this the iconic film that had so many black women empowered and ready to leave their ain’t ish men??? Well, the film is trash, but the tunes still slap.

It took me until 2020 to watch Waiting to Exhale because all I remember my mother telling me that I was too young for such matters. Somehow even at 13+, I told myself that I was too young. Woosh, talk about being obedient to a fault.

Finally, did y’all know that Forest thee Whitaker directed Waiting to Exhale? Yup, The Last King of Scotland was serving cinematic Tyler Perry realness before Tyler Perry was real. Perry probably saw how y’all supported the film and said: “I can do that!” LOLz.

So yeah, give me my Black card for finally watching Waiting to Exhale. Now revoke it because I hate it.

Shout out to Tyler Perry for knowing his core fan base and sticking to his storytelling guns.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo credit: 20th Century Fox

Categories
Comedy Just Being Funny

Princess and the Frog was a struggle—Just Being Funny

It’s been about 11 years since Disney’s Princess and the Frog was released and I’m still upset. No, not because the music was forgettable. No, not because the accents were all over the place. But because Prince Naveen was a broke boi and Tiana should have left him on read. Immigration status be damned.

As a blaque woman, I’m tired of us having to play captain save a scrub. Yeah, yeah, they world likes to pretend like we’re unworthy bottomfeeders with a thunder load of children looking for a handout, but that ain’t true. Black women stay holding this raggedy world together, and we deserved more than a *checks notes* no-‘count philandering lazy bump on a log for a prince. And das fax. Big fax.

None of the Disney princesses had to go through this hard labour when they met their prince. Poor Tiana had to turn into a frog and swim down a bloody bayou. Meanwhile, all Cinderella and she ashy knees had to do was sleep off her hangover, and her prince showed up at her home.

And don’t get me started on Ariel’s easy path to housewifedom. That saltwater redhead got to chill in a seaside AirBnB and didn’t even have to speak a word! But my gyal Tiana wasted days giving Naveen the tongue-lashing his lax mother was too afraid to dish out.

No other Disney princess lived a struggle life like Princess Tiana. We get the broke prince with questionable morals. We had to build a man like some underpaid Build-A-Bear employee.

All the other princesses basically lived the life of sugar babies who got cleaned up and upgraded without having to prove themselves.

Tiana had to scrimp and scrounge for her restaurant and almost lost everything because she kissed Naveen. Ain’t that always how it goes? Black women finally inherit something and some bumish, smooth-talking scrub derails our lives with either some unplanned baby or some other shenanigan. Makes you want to give up men and learn more about carpets.

At one point, even Naveen had to admit that he was trash. Homeboy was breaking a sweat after only cutting one slice of mushrooms for the swamp gumbo.

Prince Eric could rig an entire ship and swim deep into the sea to save his woman.

I can’t imagine how laborious Naveen’s breathing would have been had he had to smear peanut butter and jelly on a sandwich.

Eric was a whole sailor while Naveen’s backup career was playing music. Artists starve in good economies; How was Naveen planning to support himself let alone an entire family on a subpar musician’s salary?

OMG, Naveen even pulled a Terry Crews and basically said, “What do you mean you’re not white?” Except he was more like “What do you mean you’re not a princess?!” Sir, you barely holding on to your country, but have the nerve to question me about my class?

Disney, you tried it!

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo credit: Disney