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Comedy Stand-up Comedy

The Goddess Wears a Sexy Purple Thong [VIDEO]

So, another year in high school, my school paid for us to go to a youth leadership summit. My I buy this purple thong and bra set. Because I’d been traumatized by the sexy blue underwear incident, I decided to go a size up because obviously that’s what you need to do in life. And you can’t try on thongs in the store. I get back home and I put it on and it’s like: Oh, dear. It’s not like swimming, but it just feels like I can’t feel the string in my butt. 

It’s so illogical but I had visions of the thong magically slinking to the floor. You know how you can remove your bra and it comes out on one side? Well, for some reason, I kept having this thought like I’m gonna be walking and then this thong is gonna slide out my jeans and everyone is gonna know that the goddess is wearing big underwear. 

Instead, I put it on and I walk around with my butt clenched. I mean, obviously I’m wearing jeans and there no way for your underwear to fall out, but I’m just walking with my butt clenched the whole day. 

I get home and I’m just place the purple thong on the self. 

Now I’m at peace with whatever is going around here. And I stick to black boxer briefs because you don’t have to think whether it’s matching. It’s the same cut and there are no surprises.sister was in college so now we get to spend our parents money without them knowing what we’re actually buying. We go to the mall and she asks, “are you a goddess?” I said, “Yes, I’m a goddess!” Then she was like, “Do you want a thong?” I said, “I don’t own a thong!” So she was like today is the day.

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Comedy Just Being Funny

Trying to be sexy with a baggy thong—Just Being Funny

While vacationing in Europe, my friend convinced me to buy a purple thong and bra set. Why? Because that’s what teenage girls do when set free in Europe without adult supervision. There it was, my first thong: lacy and purple.

My buttcheeks were ready to gobble the string like royal floss. Get it, because purple is the colour of royalty and thongs are like butt floss. I’ll see myself out.

Because I’d been traumatized by the sexy blue underwear incident—what, you missed that story? Yeah well, basically my sexy blue underwear with the alluring metal clasps were entirely too small and therefore attempted to strangle me by the p-word.

So, based on that experience and the fact that you can’t try on underwear in stores, I had to make an executive decision. For speciality underwear, do I buy my size or do I go a size up?

My friend, who owned several thongs, tried to convince me to go a size down since thongs were all about being tiny and sexy. However, the last thing I needed was for my G-string underwear to split me by the a-hole. I’d already learned that lesson. No, I’d go a size up.

Sadly, I didn’t really learn my lesson. If I had, I would have gotten underwear in, you know, the size I normally get underwear in. I should have asked a clerk instead of trusting my misguided big-booty friend.

Or at minimum I wouldn’t have waited until the first day of school to try on my new thong. No, I should have done that in Europe when I still had the chance to return the bloody thing.

So, I pull up my underwear, and it’s not like swimming, but it just feels like the thong is just floating between my cheeks. Actually, what I felt was a rush of wind. I was uncomfortable, but instead of swapping the new thong for a tried and true, I pressed on. I hoped that my jeans would resolve my little butt draft issue.

Now, the following thought was illogical, but it’s my truth.

So, I had my underwear and pants on, but I still felt like my cheeks were flapping in the wind. This thong was giving no indication that it was on securely. In fact, the waistband was kinda slack. This caused me to envision the thong magically slinking to the floor.

How, you wonder? Well, you know how you can remove your bra without taking off your top and it just musically slides out one sleeve? Well, for some reason, I kept having this thought like I’m gonna be walking and then this thong is gonna slide out my jeans and everyone is gonna know that the goddess was wearing big underwear.

Cringe.

So I spend the day walking around super paranoid. My butt was so clenched that I was sure I could ground a brick into dust.

Looking back, I realize that there was no way for my underwear to slide down my pant leg, but that’s just what I feared. Needless to say, I added the purple thong to my growing pile of defective lingerie.

Shout out to all the panty connoisseurs.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

Categories
Comedy Just Being Funny

Strangled by my panties—Just Being Funny

Ever notice that people aren’t what they appear to be? Teachers are dungeon masters, fitness instructors are murderers, and politicians—well, we been knew they are liars and thieves.

Me? Well, teenage me wasn’t what she appeared to be. To my peers, I was a grungy girl who wore unironed, oversized clothing that made them question whether I had a butt or breasts. But underneath. Girl, underneath I was a goddess who was obsessed with sexy underwear.

Yup. My contemporaries teased me for rocking glasses and braces. They said I looked like the female monkey from Planet of the Apes. They even said my toes looked like they smoked joints. So, my teenage plot for revenge was to privately kink up my nonexistent sex life by wearing sexy underwear to school.

As an adult, I can see how this strategy isn’t the best way to cope with the stresses of life. No one wants to be like New York Governor Andrew Cuomo who caused the world to question whether he had nipple piercings all because he showed up to a press conference with a super-thin shirt that exposed his kinky secrets.

I was about sixteen when my friend gifted me some underwear. She’d bought a bra and panty set for herself but the panties were too small. I took it because real friends are down for sharing coochie germs. Also, the panties were super sexy. It was a tiny V-cut with swirly metal clasps at the hip.

Instantly, I was like, yasss, I’m gonna be over here secretly belly dancing from first to seventh period—just sexy time all day long.

When I finally wore them to school, around third period I started to feel unwell. I had a massive headache. After praying to Black Jesus to fix it, I decided to go to the bathroom to do a vital organs check.

I didn’t think I had to pee but I thought maybe a full bladder was secretly the cause of my pain. Maybe it was my period. Either way, I needed to undo some stuff.

As I pulled down my pants, I realized that my underwear was cutting into my hip bone! The hip area was all inflamed and I had deep marks where the metal clasps were.

With my last few operating brain cells, I decided to wad some toilet paper together and create a cushion between my bony hips and the metal clasps.

Back in class, I realized my prayers had not been answered. I was still on the fast track to death. 

Next, I decided to inch my underwear down. I thought maybe this area was narrower. Sadly, that didn’t work. Now I had four inflamed areas.

Later, I pulled my V-cut underwear up because my waist was tiny. But now I was just cutting my crotch. A sort of punani wedgie, if you will.

If my vagina rubbed any harder against my underwear, it was gonna catch on fire.

Thankfully, no paramedics were called.

Can you imagine me passing out and the ambulance workers cutting open my clothes in front of my classmates to reveal death by sexy underwear? That’s not how I wanted to go out. I didn’t want to be remembered as the girl who got strangled by she panties.

I wasn’t going to lose my life trying to be sexy for people who wouldn’t even know it.

Shout out to all the paramedics who seent our underwear and don’t judge us.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo by camilo jimenez on Unsplash