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Just Being Funny

Stupid Thoughts—Just Being Funny

I love a good nap. In fact, I consider myself a nap expert of sorts. My obsession with naps goes way back. I wrote a four- or six-page essay in high school, by hand, titled “The Art of Napping.” The section I remember the most detailed how to nap undetected in class. Did I get a passing mark? *hair flick* My English teacher gave me an 8/10.

I say all of that to say I’ve been a prolific nonsense talker for a long time. Here are some other stupid (but hopefully helpful) thoughts.

Social media profiles: Please remove expired domains from your bio. I’m tryna stalk, and you’re leading me to dead ends.

Crepes: Crepes are what happens when a well-meaning parent wants to make pancakes, but they have fifty eleven children to feed.

Relationship status: I’m not single. I’m in an open relationship with myself.

Plus ones: Ever have that friend who is intentionally vague so you have to ask them a million questions just so they don’t try nothing funny?

Who all coming?

Oh, you know, just us.

Who is us?

Jim and them

Who is them?

John and the rest

Who is the rest?

Kim and the crew

Who is the crew?

Not Racist: When people say, “I’m not racist. I have a [race] friend.” That’s like me saying, “I’m not poor. I have a money!”

Babies on social media: What is the most popular social media platform for babies? Yelp. #BadPuns

Marriage statistics: Did you know that being married statistically increases your odds of waking up next to a dead person? You’re welcome.

Self-checkout: Old people use cashiers to avoid computers. Young people use self-checkout to avoid humans…and to steal.

Hair helmets: #DearWhitePeople: Treat Black women’s hair how you treat white men’s toupees. If Bob from Accounting showed up with a new rug, you’re not gonna ask dumb questions like ‘how did you grow it so quickly?’ You not asking for a feel!

Restroom: Real talk, why do they call it a “restroom” when that’s the one place your butthole be working overtime?

Quarantine birthdays: Rumor has it if you celebrate your birthday during quarantine, you don’t actually age a year. You age 84 years.

Career compatibility: Things that make me a good journalist: I be suspicious. Things that make me a bad journalist: I be minding my bidness.

Mafia policies: You think the mafia doing shakedowns via Zoom calls?

Hard truths: I don’t want y’all to be mad, but under her clothes, your mother naked 🙂

Forks: A fork is just a comb for your spaghetti. You’re welcome.

Therapy is expensive so shout out to my Twitter followers (@OniciaMuller) who allow me to share and engage with my silly thoughts and more without canceling me. Thank you for your service.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

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Comedy Just Being Funny

Why micro-cheating is the ultimate #WasteMyTime—Just Being Funny

According to HelloGiggles, a women’s lifestyle blog, a new type of cheating has been established called micro-cheating. I immediately rolled my eyes. Like, what is that? Cheating but with just the tip of your penis?

Was micro-cheating like cheating but only butt stuff? You know what they say, you’re still a virgin if you only use the back door.

Surely this blog had to be written on a slow news day. Nope. I did an internet search and both Psychology Today and Time had articles about this. So then I was like wait a minute now.

According to Psychology Today, “Micro-cheating is a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship.” Think of things like constantly checking out someone’s social media account, not mentioning your relationship status, secretly texting, or connecting with a past lover online (without telling your partner).

Okay, that last one is just the first 45 minutes of cheating. Y’all gonna be smashing in an hour or two. And there ain’t nothing micro about the big O.

Friends, micro-cheating and situationships are so vague you don’t know where you stand. For all you know that other person is also a micro-cheater or otherwise entangled. Now, when you get popped by your significant other, the micro-boo can’t take you in because they have a whole relationship they were hiding from you.

People say cheaters are wasting their time, nah cheaters are biding their time.  Big difference. At least with real cheating, if your main relationship goes south, you have a new one waiting for you.

To me, if you’re going to cheat, go big or go home, literally. You can get all those things from your partner with no drama or fear. Imagine losing half your stuff and your home over some likes, comments, and subscribes.

All micro cheaters get are flirtations social media comments and stolen nonversations™ (nonsense conversations. You’re welcome.)

If I wanted to listen to the minute details of someone’s life, I’d become a therapist, not pull some weird cheating not cheating move. That’s like edging (the maintenance of a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period of time without reaching climax).

At least cheaters and official side pieces get flewed out, bags, and crabs. Hey, no one said cheating was one hundred percent a good time.

Micro-cheating is a slippery slope to a boring time. It’s like using your cheat day to eat gluten-free, sugarless desserts. Bruh, dem things taste like cardboard. They taste like having kitty litter or a whole desert in your mouth. Blech. 

Shout out to my big-time OG-style cheaters and monkey bar-ers. At least you’re breaking hearts and wasting people’s time with clear and honest intentions.

Award-winning Caribbean comedian, Onicia Muller’s weekly humour column, Just Being Funny is chicken soup for the naive sceptic’s soul. You can hire her to write anything from blogs and newsletters to bathroom poetry funny greeting cards. Join her newsletter for funny stories and stand-up comedy. OniciaMuller.com

Photo by Chris Benson on Unsplash