Total Life Scam

a public service by Onicia Muller

Is Total Life Changes A Scam?

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Just Being Funny: Total Life Scam

By Comedic Storyteller Onicia Muller

Originally published in The Daily Herald’s WEEKender on February 2, 2019

This one ‘bout ta end friendships.

I stumbled across some word vomit drizzled in emojis promoting Total Life Changes’ (TLC) Iaso tea. It said the company provided health and wealth through ingesting and selling their weight loss products.

A cursory internet search revealed that TLC is a multi-level marketing (MLM) company. Judge Judy says MLMs (network marketing) are just “legal pyramid schemes” and “pipedreams for fools.” Yup, everyone’s favorite TV judge determined that “all pyramid schemes are the same, regardless of the product.”

FYI, Judge Judy was a practicing lawyer for 31 years before going on to hosts a 3-time Daytime Emmy Award-winning TV show for 25 seasons. She knows about business and law.

The following might come off as classist, elitist, and all other kinds of -ists, BUT did you know that scammers send grammatically incorrect messages because that’s the easiest way to scare off anyone with common sense? Seriously, if you can’t bother to question such a poorly written text then you are just the gullible fool needed to wire your retirement savings to help an inconvenienced Nigerian prince.

Listen, I can’t part with my money if your messaging has typos. Yup. If you can’t show working knowledge of you, your, and you’re, then I can’t transfer funds from me, my, and mine bank account. Let me be a classist grammar snob. It is better than being a foolish, dotish, or any other –ish separated from their hard earned money.

Simple.

One MLM hun shared a video featuring four plump hens in a nondescript conference room gushing about their upcoming ‘Copy. Paste. Paid.’ workshop. Candace Byrd Davis and her three business partners claimed to have spent thousands on the digital marketing event but their ill-matched makeup, cheap costume jewelry, DIY hairstyles, basic af T-shirts, and low-budget video production indicated that was probably a lie.

The pyramid crumbles so fast that Mrs. Byrd Davis who claimed she lost 107lbs in 7 months using TLC products has since moved on to pushing Hempworx’s CBD oil. For two years of she testified that TLC was her secret to wealth and health but suddenly her Youtube channel is wiped clean and her social media accounts only talk about Hempworx. The magic of the internet is that anything we post can be found even if we delete them.

Y’all MLM huns say you do research but the fact that you allow these conmen to switch up their identities so easy proves that y’all are a lie.

I’ve worked for thousandaires, millionaires, and billionaires; wealthy native speakers write like English is their third language. Most won’t know this because these legitimate business people pay writers like me to correct their internal and public-facing documents.

How yuh a ‘six-figure weekly earner’ but yuh still have a day job? You mean to tell me you earning minimum one hundred thousand ($100,000) to max nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine dollars ($999,999) a week?!

Yes, revenue isn’t profit or post-tax income. However, had yuh won $100,000 in the lotto yuh wudda rolled up pun yuh job like Samuel L Mother F-ing Jackson and shouted, “I’m rich, bish! Now kiss my dusty bum cheeks.” Don’t matter if that money only lasts you a year. But nah, all that bank and yuh can’t cover the cost of my starter kit! Suspect.

How all the before and after photos are from randos from everywhere except our lil island? Seems everyone involved is as fat — and some fatter — than they were before TLC.

I asked Rebecca who had been shilling the product for at least four months about her experience.

“I started with the [Iaso] tea and the vitamins which regulated my bowel movements and my chronic headaches … The resolution drops take away my anxiety and control my appetite so it’s easier to make healthier choices. I’ve been off them for a few weeks now since I been busy and my family being here on vacation but I’m going to start back in the coming week with some workouts to lose some extra pounds I’ve gained.”

Impossible! TLC’s Iaso Tea claims to help you lose 5lbs in five days by drinking two 8oz glasses of tea a day. The resolution drops aka ‘gastric bypass in a bottle’ can help you lose up to 2lbs per day. According to a Cornell University study of 3,000 people in the United States, Germany, and Japan, people gained an average of 1.3 lbs over the holidays. For some, this weight took up to 5 months to lose.

So, did Rebecca gain something crazy like 20+lbs between October and January or was her diarrhea tea so nasty she couldn’t burn a likkle 5lbs by simply drinking 10 glasses in five days?

Sigh. All you need ta do is watch Shark Tank to figure out that MLM products are poor quality, overpriced snake oil. A thin cover to make Ponzi and pyramid schemes appear legal.

Shark Tank entrepreneurs say their $6 products sells for $24.99 wholeslae and $50 retail. Why is the profit margins for MLM products so small? It’s cause huns are customers paying retail and not wholesale prices.

Look, our island can only handle two McDonalds. The market can’t sustain hundreds of independent TLC sellers. Do we even have 100 grocery stores? The Minister of Finance and all math and economics teachers should dedicate a class to crunching MLM numbers. We must ban MLMs especially because the uplines are foreigners who are straight up stealing from our communities.

Shout out to all the huns from Total Life sCam, (Sc)Amway, It(Doesn’t)Works (Sh)ItWorks, 5(Broken)Links and other go-bankrupt-quick schemes for wasting Al Gore’s Internet™ and spamming Zuckerburg’s book of faces. Hopefully, y’all quit before you deplete your savings.